Got Misery?

 Got Misery? 

Does the latest argument with your significant other remind you of the worst fight you had with a sibling; a middle-school drag-down with your best friend; or the climactic argument scene in The Marriage Story? Decode the intensity behind the noise you make when you fight, and you might admit you sound like attack dogs. On the other hand, there are those who prefer the silent route. They fend each other off via a stonewall, freeze-out, or proverbial cold shoulder.  Some finger-point, name call, bang cabinets or walk out the door. Sometimes I dissemble.  I’ll set a grease fire over here to distract from the real fire that’s burning. (Maybe I don’t ever have to get to that issue? Maybe it’ll just burn itself out?) The joke I make to my clients is that, on a bad day I might rotate through all of the above with one unlucky person.  

The surprising part for many of us engaged in intimate relationships?  At times we oddly feel better when we get to the other side of our silent snit, shouting match, ultimatum or showdown. We just can’t sustain the anguish. Life together and its everyday requirements enters into the equation. After we’ve blown off steam or returned from our corners, we’re surprised to admit we still like our partner. We’re glad the fight’s over and feel better for a while. Until the next time. Long-term problems persist when we don’t really know why the smoke cleared or what really started the fire. If nothing else, the unhappiness that results from relational distress forces the truth that love is decidedly not a second hand emotion, (the late Tina Turner assured us marvelously of that). Love is central to our existence. When we’re off, it can be like an 18-wheeler on the side of the road in flames.

The secret to turning things around?  Love is so intrinsic to our nature, that, I say, we are never as far off from Center as we think we are. It’s just that when we are, our vision is distorted. It’s so easy to take each other for granted, fall into bad habits and resort to default mechanisms to cope.  Career, family, financial, you-name-it-stresses nibble at us and the relationship takes the hit. The hope is that we can use each other as a resource who might even help with de-stressing! When we are off, we aim at each other’s throats. 

My own 55 year marriage enhances my work with couples and vice versa.  I know what it’s like to ride the waves of an emotional tsunami and want out. Because of the familiarity of the up and down cycle over the years, both personally and professionallly, I’ve learned to be suspicious. Although I’ve seen many necessary and often healthy divorces, I’ve come to realize it’s not always a divorce that’s called for. More likely, it’s a divorce - an end to - whatever behavioral rut we’re in that gets us nowhere. How to interrupt that? Cutting  edge therapeutic work with couples helps clients relate to what’s going on  in a more conscious, deliberate way. In this context, certain behaviors are seen as wake-up calls. When  things are off kilter, something needs addressing. The ensuing pain can remain a threat that contaminates, or, with intention, become a stepping stone to greater self understanding. 

Luckily, there  are a ton of resources all over the internet and YouTube. John Gottman is the research guru who has done extensive research on relationship styles and has the statistics; John Wellwood’s work is great for those who want a Buddhist take. Toni Herbine-Blank, Sue Johnson, Terry Real, Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt are all shining lights in the field and have written marvelous books. Reading up can be invaluable; there is lots to know about human behavior that really helps. 

In some cases, working with a good therapist is the way to go. Sessions become a place for couples to safely explore needs for, hopes around, blocks to loving connection. Once smarter and calmer about what’s going on beneath the fracas, we develop the ability to step back and take responsibility for our own role in the unconscious two-step. We were born to love, but we weren’t born knowing how to navigate the murky waters we sometimes find ourselves in. Sessions can validate the complexity and confusion; you come to feel less crazy as you begin to see things through a clearer lens. New understandings lead to skills and practices that help you move through the predictable icy silences and/or blow-ups that are natural aspects of coping.

When we are centered in love we are more free, open, warm, calm, confident, giving. We are not so easily triggered by each other, we know better how to begin again time after time after time. In Journey of the Heart, John Wellwood validates these inherent challenges. He suggests that intimate relationships have become the new wilderness that brings us face to face with all our gods and demons. In doing the work required, we free ourselves from old habits and blind spots, and. . . [can] develop the full range of our powers, sensitivities and depths as human beings. 

Now, seriously, when it comes to the familiar miserable alternatives, what’s not to like about that?

Wilderness