26 June 23 War #03 – At War With the Face in the Mirror

AT WAR WITH THE FACE IN THE MIRROR

You know this war intimately. You fight it every day. We all do. Never mind the praying Buddhist monk or the Madonna with child. Truth to tell, being human, they aren’t as serene as they appear. Think of Jesus Christ throwing the money lenders out of the Temple. Righteous anger or barely controlled rage? 

Being at war with the face in the mirror has primitive roots. No mirrors in in primal times, of course, but who knows how many times a prehistoric person pondered the face reflected in a clear pool. Who knows, indeed? Based on how often we glance at ourselves or wonder about the “stranger” looking out from the glass, it would seem that we must be attracted to this internal battle (and peacemaking) that is almost certainly hard-wired into our biology.  

And so, the war rages and our self-peacemaking punctuates our internal battles as we stare into our own eyes and ask, “What is this?” Even better, try staring at a blank wall and making the same inquiry.

We’re going to try something completely different today: we’ll say a few more things about inner conflict, and then move on to the poetry selections for the day. The difference is that we’ll highlight in bold/underline the words and phrases that explicitly portray inner conflict, By the time you finish – if you finish –  you may have a surprising, new way to look at the face in the mirror.

Many theories and a fair bit of research have been offered to shed light on the ongoing conundrum of self-incrimination, self-analysis, and drawing the best conclusions we can about what it all means, and who or what makes things the way they are. If we are honest, the answer is always “us.” We can try to blame others, but this only takes us farther down the rabbit hole of denial. 

What does a war with one’s self mean? Internal analysis and judgment are as frequent as breath, and with every breath, somewhere deep in the mind-body complex, we are asking, if this is a war, who is the “enemy?” Is it possible to make peace with an enemy that is our very selves? Here are some of the components of this War. See if you recognize any of them:

• At war with the three times: regrets of the past, uncertainties of the present, and anxieties about the future, 
• At war with how we perceive others think about us,
• At war with the wars we find ourselves part of at work, in sports, with our children, with our relatives and friends, but most likely with ourselves,
• At war with our real or self-imposed deadlines,
• At war with both happiness and sorrow (i.e., How long will it last? Will it ever go away?),
• At war with clocks ticking, cuckoos popping out, and digital time pieces silently displaying the instants of our lives as they pass.

To sum up:

Emotions associated with internal conflicts include fear, anxiety, doubt, and confusion, which can lead to dramatic endings or beginnings, and sometimes a forced decision. 

What does it mean to be at war within yourself? It's inner warfare—a fight with yourself. Inner warfare produces a constant noise in one's mind, as the voices of opposing thoughts become locked in never-ending argument, which makes clear thinking almost impossible. One can be at war with oneself when there is conflict between the thinking mind and the heart mind creating a rift between them that results in confusion and even torment meaning one is torn between options on how one’s life may progress.

When dealing with internal conflicts, behaviors that may arise include:

1. Inability to trust your opinion over others.
2. Indecisiveness when making decisions.
3. Doubting your credibility.
4. Shame associated with true feelings.
5. Constant comparison.

Now, on to the poems. Watch for those bold/underlined words and phrases that express the “War Within Myself” Perhaps the effort will yield a few surprises. May they all be pleasant.

POEMS

War Within Myself

by Daniel K

I've been fighting a War Within Myself all my life,

Tired of the hurt, the pain, the strife.

Anger consumes me from day to day,

Cellies now walking on eggshells, unsure of what to say.

I do pray each night for the peace that I need in my heart,

I need it before I tear what friendships I have apart.

Prison has a funny way of doing some things,

Leaves me wondering what tomorrow may bring.

I'm tired of the hate, anger and pain that I feel,

I just want my heart and soul to be healed.

I want to be able to simply laugh at a joke,

I need someone to help me before I lose all hope.

My heart is almost completely hardened with what I've been through,

I need someone, anyone, maybe that someone is you.

I'm fighting a War Within Myself, and I'm so tired,

So nervous, scared, like I'm on a high tight wire.

I hope that I don't fall before someone catches me,

But then again... maybe it's my destiny.

War Within Myself

by jade Slatyer

I have a survivalist mentality

That's a part of who I am and it won't go away

Sometimes I take a break from reality

Dreaming bigger things than what is given to me today

There's a war going on and it's within myself

Too humble to break down and ask for any help

I seek God for resolution and guidance

No human can assist with my own defiance

I wish the war would end and I form a one person alliance

Merging my mind with my heart to be in sync is a form of science

Whatever happens is ok because at least I tried it

Never give up on bettering yourself

This advice I give to anyone who I care about

Growth is necessary to keep our life chain going

We water the plants and feed the kids to keep them growing

Feed your mind with knowledge and your heart with love

Synchronizing the two is going to be tough

The war within myself is a personal battle

I am not about to sit here and live in someone's shadow

I must fight like there's no other choice

Doing it my way because I am my own voice

Personally I need to figure out a plan

Something for my soul to be as happy as it can

There's a war within myself and I am not pretending

I know I am the only one who can create my happy ending

The outlook is good and I am on the right path according to some

My war will finally end when my mind and heart become one.

Sonnet for Ochún

by Leslie Sainz

After my left arm I washed my right, neck, décolletage,

and navel. I ate ground meat with large crystals of imported salt.

The women and men who would stroke my hair if I asked,

I thought of them fondly then sadly. At the flea market,

what I touched with a fingernail was a copper lamp, a mundane

painting of mountains, the cashier’s hum. I bought nothing I didn’t

want. In the cul-de-sac, I found clouds on leashes, loose roosters.

I thought thoughts ugly as clothespins. Reading a used book,

I suspected I knew less about death than the last person who held it.

I spat into a mirrored sink. I lost my slippers and face. To feel more

like water, I drank it. Before bed, I walked my plank of uncertainties

and plunged further into uncertainty. Am I capturing all of history

in this gesture? I shouted into the future. In the wet air of the future,

I could have but never appeared. No one was sorry but me.

At war with myself

By Alice Law

I'm my own personal plot twist,

Forever flowing,

Never knowing

What I'm going to do next.

I'm in a constant conflict with myself,

World war 3

Bombs of impulsive behavior tearing up my reality...

But there's no enemy

There's no way to fight back when every shot is friendly fire.

But it's not friendly

I take nuclear breaths.

One day it will end me.

BACKGROUND  

Daniel K: This poem is published in partnership with Free Minds Book Club & Writing Workshop, an organization based in Washington, DC, that is committed to elevating and amplifying the voices of those directly impacted by the prison system. Through creative writing, job readiness training, and violence prevention outreach, Free Minds assists members, who are incarcerated and formerly incarcerated youths and adults, in realizing their own potential. The poet’s last name was withheld on request in consideration of their privacy.

Leslie Sainz is the daughter of Cuban exiles. The author of Have You Been Long Enough at Table (Tin House, 2023), her work has been supported by the National Endowment for the Arts, CantoMundo, the Miami Writers Institute, The Adroit Journal, and the Stadler Center for Poetry and Literary Arts at Bucknell University. She currently serves as the managing editor of the New England Review.

Alice Easton Law (23 October 1870 – 28 August 1942) was a New Zealand music teacher for the visually impaired at the Jubilee Institute for the Blind who was involved in fundraising for the Institute and ensured that her female students gained the same resources and support as male students.

EXPLORATIONS

1. What are your experiences when you are at war with yourself? Maybe you never are?
2. Identify a situation when you were/are at war with yourself. Describe it objectively. Is objectivity even possible?
3. Why do you think the poems presented here all have nearly the same title? 
4. Do any of the four poems stand out as capturing the essence of the “war” as the topic of this post? Why or why not? If not, is the theme of “war with oneself” so universal?