Hi, it is August 27, 2019. The moon is in the third quadrant of its final ellipsis before the virtual equinox. I don't know what that means, but it sounds legitimate. Maybe even a little smart. Of course that all didn't even make sense. Maybe I do have a career in politics.
Today I will attempt to share some of the sarcastic things that I live with every day. I am a sarcastic person. I don't try to be...it is just that people always seem to give me so much ammunition. I mean, I start out the day trying to be nice and polite and all that, but then someone does something or says something that screams out for a sarcastic response and...well, you know what happens then! So here are some sarcastic thoughts for today.
"When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." That one has saved my hiney in court many times! I really bore this out with telemarketers many years ago. I think that my sarcastic responses to their inquiries may have sped the AI robo-call revolution! If a live person does call you, I recommend using the following tips.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. Sing in an operatic voice if possible. Or a "Tiny Tim" falsetto. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No Telemarketers were harmed in the testing.
Another sarcastic comment for you..."If you find me annoying then I suggest you stop finding me!" As one of the last holdouts to finally succumb to the cell phone generation, I was often difficult to find. I liked it that way. Just by going out the door I could become invisible to friends, family, and telemarketers. Even the robo ones!
Sarcasm can be kind of rough on people. I love it when people say they don't get it...then I can get out the flip charts and educational aids to help enlighten them...or confuse them depending on what mood I am in. Hence, this quote, "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to be mean to your face." Face it.
I am one of the few people who have been injured by sarcasm. I was being sarcastic while cutting up jalapenos, and the knife slipped. I took out a good chunk of skin on my left index finger, and now there is a nasty gap in my finger. Sort of a scar chasm.
I had to leave you with a pun. A sarcastic one!
Today I will attempt to share some of the sarcastic things that I live with every day. I am a sarcastic person. I don't try to be...it is just that people always seem to give me so much ammunition. I mean, I start out the day trying to be nice and polite and all that, but then someone does something or says something that screams out for a sarcastic response and...well, you know what happens then! So here are some sarcastic thoughts for today.
"When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." That one has saved my hiney in court many times! I really bore this out with telemarketers many years ago. I think that my sarcastic responses to their inquiries may have sped the AI robo-call revolution! If a live person does call you, I recommend using the following tips.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. Sing in an operatic voice if possible. Or a "Tiny Tim" falsetto. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No Telemarketers were harmed in the testing.
Another sarcastic comment for you..."If you find me annoying then I suggest you stop finding me!" As one of the last holdouts to finally succumb to the cell phone generation, I was often difficult to find. I liked it that way. Just by going out the door I could become invisible to friends, family, and telemarketers. Even the robo ones!
Sarcasm can be kind of rough on people. I love it when people say they don't get it...then I can get out the flip charts and educational aids to help enlighten them...or confuse them depending on what mood I am in. Hence, this quote, "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to be mean to your face." Face it.
I am one of the few people who have been injured by sarcasm. I was being sarcastic while cutting up jalapenos, and the knife slipped. I took out a good chunk of skin on my left index finger, and now there is a nasty gap in my finger. Sort of a scar chasm.
I had to leave you with a pun. A sarcastic one!
This might be a personal question, but as a pro, have you ever faked a sarcasm?
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