Sometimes we long to repeat the past – or to continue it, as is the case at the opening of this segment of “Song 5: Threshing.” But we don’t always get what we want; in fact, often we get something distinctly different from our wishes. It’s all about the ever-changing characteristic of constant moving and shifting when two people; nothing stands still; everything is impermanent. This segment explores all that and more.
Song 5: Threshing – Segment 3
up the ladder with grunts and wheezing breath
This is not Jani! This is not her breath!
“Who are you!?” I try to sound threatening
but my voice cracks and gasps betraying me
No answer as this hidden one climbs up
“Get off my tower!” I shout with more success
“Your tower!?” pants a voice from halfway up
I know this voice but its name is hazy
and in trying to place it I forget
fear and anger as the shade keeps climbing
Suddenly, it’s clear! I can’t believe it!
Now I know what to do and do it fast
“Don’t you dare come up here! I’ll push you off!”
“No, you won’t.” But the steps have halted now
“I swear I will!” but my voice sounds weaker
“Let me come up. I need to talk to you.”
“Get out of here. I want to be alone!”
“No, you don’t or you would be somewhere else.”
“I’ll push you off,” My resolve is weakening.
“Go ahead. I don’t care.” This is said with
such truth and sorrow that I find the voice
an echo within my tears burning now
I scuttle to the farthest corner
I am silent as he tops the platform
drags his crippled leg up and over, groans,
crawls to the middle breathing heavily
He sits down, lays his left bad leg straight out
rubs his wounded shoulder, then his thigh bone
I’m not sure what to do but I’m curious
so I just wait for him to catch his breath
I can’t believe this skinny kid has climbed
my tower – burst my silence – risked his death
“It’s not yourtower, by the way,” he says
“I used to climb it all the time before
you and Jani took it as your hideout.”’
(I am at a loss, so I keep quiet)
“I was here that first time when you climbed with
the kite that didn’t fly. I think Jani
saw me too but I’m not sure. Anyway
I have not been back here until tonight”
“Why now? Why come now after all these months?
“I knew you would be here. I need to talk
to you and you haven’t been around much”
“What about? Why me?” But I think I know
“You’re the only one who was there that day.”
“Where?” I ask but I know all too well “where”
“When Jani knifed me, of course!” This sharply.
“Of course,” I say and listen quietly.
“When you’re around at least there’s someone else
who really knows what happened. That’s why I
kept showing you the cut, you know,” he says
and looks at me like I should understand
I just wait as if to say that I don’t
“Everyone else makes up their own stories”
They make Jani out as a monster and
me as weakling. You, they just can’t figure.
The stories make you turn out some of both.”
I nod but I still do not understand.
“I’ve heard so many versions I’m not sure
what happened. I think I have it, but then
it gets all confused. It was okay when
you were there, even though we didn’t talk.”
“So, what is it that you want me to do?”
“Tell me what happened and why she did it.”
“Jani cut you and then she left. That’s all.”
with measured patience
“You know what I mean.” He looks down his nose
“I wish I knew.”
“I think you do.”
He is right of course. I have been thinking
of very little else since the knifing
I slide closer to him. Now I want to
say what’s true for my sake but more for him
A warm flush spreads through my entire body
Dry tingling shimmers up and down my arms
and back and neck like snapping static sparks
galvanizing all the parts and reasons
I have been mulling over all these days
Instantly, all the parts pop together
and I know the story as it once stood
there like so many waiting messengers
When I speak, this knowing surely can’t say
a word that isn’t true, misread, misjudged
“I think it was Jani’s way of leaving
She knew I couldn’t go with her and now
I think she knew you could take the knife cut.”
I’m shocked at how easily all these words
emerge from my heart, out my open mouth
A warm night wind blows up in swirls weaving
smells of new grass and moist earth in the dark
I see he is thinking all this over
seeing how it fits and how true it feels
“Yes, that seems right. Jani never said much
but she knew a lot. Guess she knew us both.”
He’s quiet and he appears to agree
“It makes more sense than the things I heard like
‘Jani’s just from bad blood,’ or ‘Hart is such
a dolt. He’s not one of us?’ they said”
“Your name is Hart,” I say like I didn’t know
“I know this leg makes it easier to
simply call me ‘that crippled kid’ not Hart”
“I’m sorry. It must be tough to be you”
“No, you’re not and yes, it is.” He guffaws
“No really. I understand how you feel.”
“No, you don’t! How could you!? No one can know!
You and Jani just decide not to be
one of the others. I don’t get a choice!
I can’t be with them even if I want.
I see he’s right. I start to see many
things but I do not know how to say them
So I say, “I miss her, and I’m sorry”
No response but I did not expect one
For a long time, we just sit side by side
looking out toward Chickopee’s yellow lights
We sit like that. We don’t say anything
just watch the blue-white moon light the flat land
I feel a fading and a brightening
I feel something fine rise inside my chest
Hart seems content for now with what’s been said
Somewhere at sea, Jani leans against a mast
Background:
As the narrative moves away from Jani and toward a character who will soon evolve into an important presence for our protagonist, we also see more deeply into the operative dynamic: relationship. The new character pays little attention to our hero’s protestations, but rather calls out every boast and threat. In fact, he seems to read the protagonist’s very soul and intentions. The conversation between the two is classic. One searches for answers and the other withholds; tension swells. The feel is dancing around the truths of the moment. Relationships are often like this, especially at the beginning when ground rules and understandings have not yet been established. Yes, this section, and more to come, explores how humans are with each other when one or more incidents exist that must be sorted out. Try out the explorations to see if the underlying forces reveal themselves.
Exploration 1: Are you surprised at who climbs the tower at the beginning of this segment? Did you find yourself wishing it had been Jani? If so, why?
Exploration 2: What do you make of the crippled boy’s searching out the meaning of Jani’s knifing him? In other words, what motivates him to search? Shouldn’t he already understand what happened to him? Is the narrator’s response adequate to the situation, and why is there so much hesitation in that response?
Exploration 3: What do you think is happening between these two? See if you can predict what will happen next and in the longer term.
NEXT: Song 5: Threshing – Segment 4
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