Closet Ingrate? You're Not Alone.

    Ingrate. Like a scraped knuckle, the word stings. At this time of year, to feel incapable of thanks, well, that's just unthinkable. So, er, I'm embarrassed to say that as I started to think of this Thanksgiving post, I began to wince at the thought of having to write about gratitude. To assuage my guilt, I recalled past Thanksgiving and our family's practice of going around the table so everyone could express some thanks. I'm always ready for that level of openness, so what's with my resistance? 

    Rick Hanson, renowned neuropsychologist and author of Buddha's Brain, helps me feel less like a Grinch when he talks about our brain's built-in negativity bias. Our species wouldn't have survived without learning to say no evolutionarily. Just as a lizard on a log has to be quick to avoid being eaten, our brains are hard-wired to prevent sticks, predators, and threats of all kinds. That should put your mind at ease if, like me, you walk around with RBF and struggle with a propensity for humbug. 

    That we are naturally prone to negativity might relieve the onus, but it's not the end of the story. My ears perk up when Hanson says that despite the many positive daily things, painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable. He simplifies the idea and says the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones. I understand my cynicism more, but what will make me more grateful?

    I poke around on the topic of thanks and find scads of articles on the Gratitude Movement, which you're familiar with unless you've been under a rock. Regularly expressing gratitude in journals, prayers, and other practices can measurably improve our lives, according to proponents of Positive Psychology. One article described a challenge where every night, the writer wrote down 50 things that evoked thanks from her day (and there are countless long lists available for your perusal). As some readers know, I'm a big proponent of long lists, and I even thought 50 a day was extreme. In what time sphere does this person dwell? 

    Hanson says that because of our negativity bias, we are much more prone to tick off a litany of the 50 things that went wrong in a day rather than what went well. Not surprisingly, this propensity for pessimism adds up to not much good and accounts for our bad moods, impatience, and inability to make room for and compassionately give to others. 

Neurobiologically, our brains are tilted against peace and fulfillment. Though one might think we are a lost cause, the news is good, and we can do all sorts of things to offset our preference for gloom. Hanson encourages us to be brain-science savvy.  He says we must learn to take in and emphasize the good in our lives to be psychologically skillful. When we intentionally seek the good, savor it, and, even better, learn to soak in it, we create new neural pathways.  

    Grudgingly, I attempted the challenge to list 50 things for which I was grateful. Pitifully, I didn't make it to the end of day one with the assignment. For a few hours after reading about it, I did feel more pleasantly aware, more open to simple daily marvels like the crunch of my toast, the warmth of my tea, the stretch of sky blue, and my stride. 

    According to Hanson, this is a great start - the trick is to learn how to marinate in the simple positives of our lives, sustain the effort for at least 20-30 seconds, engage our senses, and learn to absorb our life experiences more fully. If we practice this quality of presence, our brains will rewire. We'll feel better, enjoy resilience and confidence, be more productive, and behave accordingly. 

The sting has been removed at the end of my inquiry; I feel much less the ingrate. I’m edified, uplifted, motivated. Like enjoying a Thanksgiving meal, I feel complete and nourished, and I must say, grateful. Like the pie that follows turkey, the piece de resistance was my rediscovery of Franciscan Brother David Stendl-Rast. I found his wisdom years ago in one of my all-time favorite books, Gratefulness: the Heart of Prayer. If you want an experience that ushers you into the spirit of our upcoming holiday, pause for a few moments and watch his video meditation. Sink down into your favorite chair and maybe even savor.

    

Ingrate!