It has been a while, so I am back with more fractured history. The events listed are true. Only the details have been changed to protect the Wannaskan Almanac from open ridicule. Closed ridicule is still allowed...perhaps even welcomed.
1833 AD: Charles Darwin arrives in Buenos Aires after travelling through the Argentine interior with guachos. Guachos are an early predecessor of nachos. Darwin dipped moths (known as guaches) into cheese (known as os) and then examined them to see if they would evolve into some kind of snack. It never caught on.
368 AD: Emperor Valentinianus visits Nijmegen. How someone with the last name Anus was able to ascend to the position of Emperor remains a mystery. One can only speculate that the reason for the visit was to change his name to Valentinibutthole. That would be much more respectable.
1187 AD: Saladin begins the Siege of Jerusalem. It appears that he was upset over a very bad haircut he received from the Jerusalem Sports Cuts.
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| Bad hair day leads Saladin to seige the day |
1258 AD: Salisbury Cathedral in south west England inaugurated. Insert your own steak joke. That one is too easy!
1519 AD: Spanish expedition led by Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan sets off on the 1st successful circumnavigation of the globe. Flat earthers around the world are sure he will fall off the edge.
1697 AD: Peace of Saki (ends 9 years war). Treaty is signed while splitting a bottle of rice wine. It was sake at Saki for goodness sake!
1746 AD: Bonnie Prince Charlie flees to France from Scotland. Bonnie said "bonnie voyage" to the French as he sped away. With a name like Bonnie it was certain that his trip to Scotland was to be more comfortable wearing a dress, or kilt as it was know by the effeminate Scots.
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| A bonnet for Bonnie |
1863 AD: US Civil War Battle of Chickamauga, near Chattanooga, Tennessee ends with a Union withdrawal. If they could have lasted one more day the South would have retreated because the Chick-a-mauga (loosely translated Chick-Fil-A) would have been closed on Sunday.
1870 AD: Mayor William Tweed accused of robbing NY treasury. Back then politicians weren't allowed to steal. Today this is common practice.
1893 AD: The first gasoline-powered car debuts in Springfield, Massachusetts. Up until then cars had only been able to go down hill. Factories were built at the top of the hill and drivers used their cars until gravity or some scientific laws about motion caused the cars to roll to a stop. They were then disassembled and made into horse drawn caricatures. (note, that was not due to spell check or voice to text misunderstanding. The intended word was caricatures. I know it doesn't make sense. I like it that way!)
That is it for fractured history today. Hit like and leave a comment. That way we will know you need psychological help!
Today is also the 1835 commencement of the Ragamuffin War in Brazil, when ragged children and their fancy cats fought a ten-year musical battle over small-domed cakes.
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