The Palmville Globe

 

Volume 1 Issue 5

Man Apologizes to Fictional Character

Mr. Henry Woodhouse is a fictional character in the novel Emma by Jane Austen. Joe McDonnell, 77 and a resident of Palmville TWP, Minnesota, tell the press that he's always been annoyed by Mr. Woodhouse. "Austen calls him a valetudinarian," says McDonnell. "A valetudinarian is a person who worries constantly about his health even when he's doing fine. Hypochondriac is the modern term. This Mr. Woodhouse is constantly worried he's going to get a chill and die. He hates leaving home, hates seeing others eat cake because he doesn’t eat sweets, and when offering wine, pours out a thimbleful. His daughter Emma, the heroine of the book, is able to manage his foibles and everyone loves Mr. Woodhouse because he’s so pleasant and because he’s liberal with his wealth. As a reader though, I would mutter "wimp" every time he appeared. "Milquetoast," I’d think or "snowflake". But no more. This week I pumped gas in a very cold, very strong wind without my coat on and caught a very annoying cold. Mr. Woodhouse would never say "I told you so". He's far too kindly. He would sit me down by his fire, send for his apothecary, and offer a basin of gruel while we waited.”

Man Solves Wet Longjohns Mystery

Joe McDonnell, 77 and a fit retiree, recently asked the maintenance department to fix a small hole in the knee area of his favorite longjohns. He know from experience that no matter how careful he is, he'll eventually enlarge the hole with his toe, especially if he's missed a couple of toe clipping sessions. Maintenance said she was about to order a new pair of longjohns for herself and would order a pair for him. "I hate ordering longjohns," McDonnell said. "They're either too long, resulting in bunching in my socks or they're too short, exposing my center." Maintenance reminded him he could return any incorrectly sized product until the company got it right. Happily, the new longjohns were in perfect order. The only problem was that when donning them in the morning, they always felt wet in the back waist area. "I wondered if security had slopped coffee on them while making night rounds," McDonnell said. "It's very dark when I get up and my body heat quickly warms the clammy area like a wetsuit warms the thin layer of freezing seawater between the diver's suit and his or her skin." Careful perusal of the longjohns under a strong light revealed a small patch on the waistband stating the size (Medium) and country of origin (Vietnam). The patch was made of a silky material which, coupled with the low thermostat night setting (64°), resulted in the brief but unpleasant feeling of wetness. 

Squib Cellar

Product reviews can be helpful but I must realize which ones are fussy the same way I am fussy.

Some reviewers take stars away just because they didn’t like the packaging. 

We know each other’s faults so let’s turn off the spotlights and light a couple of scented candles. The evening is young. 

Wind and water wear down the peaks 

We know that for sure

Atmosphere’s needed for us to exist

But it’s terribly hard on the furniture 

China vs India- things there are tense 

They growl back and forth over their fence 

We wonder what these ancient lands will do

Meanwhile they see us and Europe as mere parvenus

The optimist sees all things as unbroken 

The pessimist is the one behind progress

Aspirin was not inspired by a person who’s feeling good

Sex became weaponized when Adam and Eve were forced to put on clothes. 

One difference between Trump and Hitler-Trump lacks the stomach to murder six million scapegoats.