Stupid Questions

 

We've all been present when someone trying to teach us something says, "There's no such thing as a stupid question." This would not be in grade school where, by definition, all questions are stupid. This statement is made to adults, perhaps at some kind of work related one day seminar. The participants don't want to be there and the presenter is desperate to find any sign of life in the crowd.

But the audience knows there is such a thing as a stupid question and they don't plan on posing one in front of their peers. I learned young about stupid questions. It happened at our summer cottage. My older cousin had just gotten married and the wedding party had stopped by to use the bathroom on the way to the reception. 

The groom chatted with my father while his new wife, my cousin, was upstairs. They were talking about sailing, my father's favorite pastime. The groom politely asked questions. I could tell he knew nothing about boats. My father pulled out a chart of the islands around Boston Harbor where we did our day sailing. The groom studied the chart a bit then asked, "Are there really roads out there in the ocean?"

My saintly father neither guffawed, nor rolled his eyes. I could understand the groom's confusion. The channels into a port are sometimes called roads, as in Hampton Roads down in Virginia. The channels into Boston are President Roads and Nantasket Roads. They appear as wide white areas where ships can safely travel. My father explained all this to the groom who went away educated. He probably forgot his new knowledge at the reception; certainly by the next morning. I never saw him again to quiz him.

I did not take a life lesson from this little incident. I was still young and arrogant, but the memory has grown in force over the years. After four years in the military where stupid questions rule the roost, I got a job in a lumber yard. There's a special lingo used in a lumber yard and I learned enough to get by. I was the delivery man and mostly needed to know Boston's convoluted street system.

One of the yardmen was George the Greek. George was a great guy, but one day I heard him cursing as a customer drove off with a load of lumber tied to his roof. "What an idiot!" George said. "That guy didn't know his ass from a two by four. Everyone should know a little bit about everyone else's business so they don't ask such stupid questions." This seemed impractical to me. "Maybe the guy's a great lawyer," I said. "What do you know about the law?" "I know enough to stay out of court," George replied. When it comes to wisdom, the Greeks are the best.

One more lumberyard story about the dangers of ignorance. This old German carpenter came into the yard one day with his young assistant. He told the assistant to load ten sheets of mahogany paneling onto their truck while he went and paid for it. The assistant grabbed walnut paneling instead of mahogany. Easy mistake. When I came on the scene, the German was pointing at the walnut paneling in the truck and saying loudly "Das ist not ma-ha-GO-ni!" then pointing to the mahogany paneling, "Das ist ma-ha-GO-ni!" I helped switch out the paneling while the boss repeated the lesson several times for good measure.

It's really impossible to stop asking stupid question, and even more impossible to learn a little bit of everyone else's business. A more useful skill is knowing how to blow off the anger of people you've asked or done stupid things in front of. They'll get used to your stupid questions or get over them, whichever comes first.

"Das ist Mahagoni"