Wannaskan Almanac for Tuesday, April 11, 2023 Drivel Drivel Watch me Snivel

Apologies to my fellow writers...it is April 1-1 though!

Did you ever wonder what Wannaskan Almanac writers do on their day off.  Our managing editor (who due to legal issues and embarrassment wishes to remain anonymous) recently thought of having a contest where the winner would get to spend a day with each of the writers of the Almanac.  This was quickly shot down by the writers (we have a very strong union...plus we are all alcoholics and are trying to keep that from public knowledge).  We came up with a different plan, something that I just know you will enjoy.  Here, for your enjoyment, is the long sought after "Day (off) in the life of a Wannaskan Almanac writer" column.  Enjoy!

Monday (Chairman Joe):  I like to start out each day with a glass of orange juice.  I used to drink coffee, but it didn't mix very well with my morning vodka.  By vodka, I of course mean a healthy breakfast of biscuits and gravy.  Coffee doesn't go with it.  But orange juice...can you hand me a screwdriver dear...that is something that really can give you the kick you need while getting out of bed.  Yeah, after drinking...I mean writing...all day it can be trouble waking up without a healthy breakfast waiting for you.

Healthy and relaxing

Tuesday (Jack Pine Savage):  The first thing I do when waking up on a Tuesday is stop thinking in iambic pentameter.  Sure, I might be a super-poet on Mondays, but the rest of the week I speak in regular old jibberish.  Like Mr. Hot Coco does in his almanac posts.  This only increases after a few bottles, I mean sips, of wine.  Everything in moderation, that is our syncopation.  Whoops, that rhymed.  Pass the wine.  

JPS...the only Almanac writer who knows what syncopation means

Wednesday (Mr. Hot Coco):  Ah, nothing beats a day off!  I start out with a little whine...mostly about the weather or the high price of gasoline...then, after I realize that nobody is listening I start the day off with a great Canadian meal.  After I finish my donuts and beer it is right back to whining...this time about the high price of imported Canadian beer and how day old donuts seem to lack freshness.  I got these ones a couple of weeks ago.  They are almost inedible.  

Canada's official combo meal

Thursday (Joe Wednesday's Child):  The first thing I do on my day off is to answer each person who had taken the time to send me an email looking for an answer to the riddle posed in Wednesday's column.  I don't really consider this to be work because I like talking to people who don't know how to scroll down on a webpage.  I figure those people could be easily duped into buying me round after round of my favorite beverage at the Wannaskan Almanac Social Drinking Club.  I promise to meet them there and reveal the answer after a couple of beverages.  Usually they give up after about ten rounds.  It is then that I read Tuesday's column and realize why so many of us are alcoholics.  

Artist's Conception of the WASDC 

Friday:  (WannaskaWriter) Do you really wanna 'sk a writer what he does on his day off?  As the long time record holder of the most facial hair per capita in Wannaska, I say be careful what you ask for.  The first thing I do after drinking my breakfast is to load up all the snow in my driveway and haul it over to a neighbor's driveway.  He lives just north of me.  I think he sleeps in too much and smells of Vodka and orange juice.  Then I spend hours applying beard oil to the hectares (a nod to my Canadian friends) of facial hair.  Don't have any beard oil?  Any type of oil will do just fine.  Vegetable oil, motor oil, shrimp boil...I have used them all.  That is why there is a picture of me in the Guinness book of drinking records.

Only known photo of WannaskaWriter

Saturday:  (Chairman Joe)  As the only writer to get two days off I feel like I have to get something off my chest.  It seems like all I do on Saturdays is plow the snow in my driveway.  I get up at noon and there it is, mountains of snow blocking me in again. I go out to my old tractor (usually need a couple of screwdrivers to get it started) and dig my way out.  Wouldn't be so bad but it didn't even snow last night.  Where does this cursed stuff come from?  Oh well, at least I don't have an oily beard!

Chairman Joe's house circa July 4, 2022

Sunday:  (Kim Hruba)  After a hard week of work preparing for my Saturday edition of the Almanac I feel like the first thing I should do on a Sunday morning is a shot of Jack Daniels.  That gives me the courage to flip through what the other writers have done to this once glorious publication.  Reading stuff like "author" Mr. Hot Coco puts out makes me wish more people knew about auto-correct!  At least he never makes into print, such as the Roseau Times.  As far as I know only the great bearded one, WannaskaWriter, has achieved that.  

WannaskaWriter's lawyer submitting articles to the Times

So that's it.  That is what we all do on our days off.  If you found this offensive get in line at our complaint department.  You think Disney World lines are long?  We make those seem like a short wait at the chiropractor's office.  You'll see that it wasn't what it was cracked up to be.