Let me be completely up front...I have never read or watched any of the fifty shades books or movies. Pretty much all I know about the series is what little has been parodied on animated television shows. So please excuse me if I don't quite seem to know what I am talking about.
Today I went to the cardiologist for my semi-annual checkup. They would make it only once a year but the doctor really needs the money for a new boat that he is looking at. Anyway I guess it was time for me to do a stress test. This is where things got weird.
First of all, they put me in a little room and told me to take my shirt off. I think they were quite impressed with my physique (I just finished doing pushups a couple of decades ago) and were moved to titillations when I flexed my muscles, which were hiding mere inches below my flab. Then, and hopefully someone who has read the above mentioned book can confirm this is shady behavior, she started to spank me gently on the back of my hand. I have to admit, I was only pretending to enjoy it. Apparently the hand spanking wasn't quite violent enough. She pulled out a long needle and then jabbed it into my hand. I pretended not to to notice. She then began to inject me with some kind of serum. I suppose it was to make me more relaxed as she continued on with her sick and twisted fantasy.
That wasn't good enough though. They brought me into another room and strapped me to a table. One arm was strapped over my head while the other was strapped to my side. Then they strapped down my legs. This was either going to be some sort of bondage escapade or an alien probing. Then they put this UFO shaped device right next to my chest. "UFO probing," I muttered. "Thank goodness!" I waited but the small UFO just slowly crept around my chest, pausing every few seconds to analyze their data. Finally the "nurse" came back in. Apparently this torture had not been enough. Now they wanted me to run on a treadmill!
They ran me long enough to break down my resistance. Then they led me back into the UFO room and strapped me down again. I figured I might as well pretend that I was enjoying it. I even told them that they could use handcuffs if they wanted.
Finally I was done. They sent me home with a promise to come back again for my results. I really don't remember much about what happened, but I would encourage you to be prepared if you get brought in to a "Cardiologist".
You should have had a colonoscopy while you there. There's no shade at all where the sun don't shine.
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