“And I tried to remember any case in the course of my reading where two women are represented as friends. (...) almost without exception they are shown in their relation to men. (...) [women in fiction were] not only seen by the other sex but seen only in relation to the other sex. And how small a part of a woman's life is that”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own
If you are going to read the poem featured today, please be sure to read the background below the poem that explains how the three poems were composed. Today’s post centers on friendship between women; in this case, three women. But first – and I’m not going to ask permission – a few words on the current state of female friendships – those between two or more women.
Perhaps up to the 1960s, women’s friendships were largely considered by the majority of men to be of no consequence. In our modern era, such friendships have become cliched, sentimentalized, and even ridiculed. In fact, as I googled things like “friendships women,” and “girlfriends,” and “poems about female friendships,” and so forth, I almost gagged from the sugar-coated gluggle. I think this phenomenon arises because women are still working to find a language to express their relationships with other women. Then there is the oh-too-strident tone; that may come from women’s voices still calling attention to their legitimate and equal place in the world. Look at us! We count. We matter. Like other social movements, women still strive to be seen, heard, reconned with, and given credit for their contributions.
Further searching brought up some encouraging signs, such as the Mayo Clinic’s statement that friendships are good for our health – granted that is about all kinds of friendships. Another Google “answer” brought up several organizations specializing in sheltering abused women, dealing with unwanted pregnancies, and helping women get back on their feet. Worthy efforts all.
Without belaboring the point, a fine line weaves its fragile way between just plain hearts and flowers, and the serious exploration of friendships between women. So, today, we present three poems written in concert by three women. One is explicitly about female friendships. The other two are creative poetry about other subjects but they still have elements of women’s friendships. Perhaps you would like to imagine the voices of the women who created these poems.
Three Friends Three Poems
Friendship between women is like a smooth flowing river
With hidden stones lying scattered below
Large stones that water trips over and flows back into one.
Small stones causing only small ripples in a relationship.
But stones nonetheless, yet what is a river without its rocks?
To navigate is the adventure, for while a smooth river ride
is nice at times, ease and complacency can rob us
of the joy found in challenge.
And if we would ride the rapids and the shallows,
we would do well to go with those who are
unafraid of stones below or rapids above
and who thrill to the sound of rushing water
Sometimes our own stories are the ones we can never tell.
But if a story is never told, it becomes something else.
Forgotten
and in the forgetting all is lost and all remember
for the body holds it all close and dear.
The heart knows the depths of the story and the deep
wounds run their course
over the stories that we tell ourselves in the middle of the night
when all stories cry out for justice or at least compassion
compassion that only I can bring to my heart. Forgiveness
Overwhelms the injustices.
And this nightly truth-telling pours from my eyes
Tears of silent stories and with them a wordless release,
A sigh of relief
for they are our stories and stories change according to the teller
The teller brings them to truth.
Now that I am old, the road to here grows dim
The here and the now blend together into one
to a place where I can no longer travel, but stand
erect, aware, and all-consumed in the fire of have-lived
and ashes of have-not-lived through the regrets of the past
to which I turn a shoulder, choosing to put my eye
on the never-ending horizon of potential and possibilities
knowing the dimness in the road is only the unknown
or perhaps the dark is only my old eyes that see forever
Background
The three poems in this post were written in September 2015 when three women were a secular retreat. Just the three of them. I won’t name them because a little mystery never hurt anyone, and maybe one, two, or three of the group will write a comment to this post revealing name(s).
These three poems were written collectively. They each started a poem* and then passed it to the left. One of the women says that sometimes she can tell who wrote what, but mostly, she says, “it’s a blending of voices that makes such a beautiful harmony.” One woman told about a project she had done with another woman who was an artist. “We collaborated on a piece and shipped back and forth through the mail. The artists would slap on something and then mail it. The second woman added something else and sent the project in another direction. And back and forth until the work felt complete. It was an act of sheer, joyous creativity.
* The first lines of the middle poem are the opening lines of the film Sarah’s Key.
Exploration 1: Do you think friendship between women is superior to that between men, or between the two genders, or are these just different versions of the same dynamic?
Exploration 2: Consider Jane Fonda’s remark below, and whether or not it rings true for you.
“I think that [women’s friendships] is one reason why women live longer than men. Friendship between women is different than friendship between men. We talk about different things. We delve deep. We go under, even if we haven’t seen each other for years. There are hormones that are released from women to other women that are healthy and do away with the stress hormones … It’s my women friends that keep starch in my spine and without them, I don’t know where I would be. We have to just hang together and help each other.” —Vanity Fair, January 2015
For those interested in the theme of Writing While Female, click here [FR] for a marvelous interview with Margaret Atwood - a Canadian who grew up in the woods - about her thoughts and experiences as a poet and novelist.
ReplyDelete[Don't wait too long to read this gem; a pay wall goes up on this article in about five days.]
DeleteAtwood’s parents encouraged her to read. Her mother liked quiet and a reading child is a quiet child.
ReplyDelete#1. Not superior but different.
#2. Women live longer because men take more foolish risks, occasionally at the request of their woman. Men also drink more and used to smoke more.
Women need friendships with women because their men have often kicked off.
#3. We all need friendships. They take a bit of maintenance. The best ones though can be picked up after years of neglect, like an old sourdough starter in the back of the fridge.