The Rhode House: Part 2
“Guess Festus ain’t ‘ome, eh,” Sven asked when Ula came back to his truck. “I saw da curtains open yust a little, but it musta been da vind, cuz dey closed right back up. ‘e must be out trackin’ sum felons down or fuelin’ up ‘is squad car in Vannaska, doh it looks like its taillights stickin’ out da hay shed dere . . .”
Ula didn’t want to press the issue. “Yah, ‘e’s sleepin’, I ‘eard ‘im snorin’. No sense in vakin’ ‘im fer a question ‘bout sum new neighbors. Let’s yust go up to da Tin Man’s place an’ introduce ourselves, ya bein’ yerself an’ me bein’ meself, as ve are.”
“Vudint vant it any udder vay, “answered Sven, trying hard to get his seat belt hooked. “Geesus man, vy don’t ya git dis ‘ere fixed? I donut t’ink dis ‘ere contrapshun is legal-eagle, if’n ya know vat I’m sayin’, Ula.”
“Aye, a screen door hook ‘n eye seat latch was original equipment ven I bought dis ‘ere rig, she vas all original, right down to da balin’ vire ‘oldin’ down da spare tire dere,” Ula said, pointin’ as he climbed into the Trapper Truck. “Da only t’ing I done vas add dis ‘ere ten-ton capstan vinch, den beef up da front end alittle to carry it. Dis ‘ere vinch vill pull dis ‘ere rig to Skime an’ back, given a little time. Says so, right on it. "She may be slow, but out ya go." I t’ink 'elmerson Velding bilt it.”
“Knorr? Knorr 'elmerson built dis ‘ere Trapper Truck?” asked Sven, suspicious of Ula’s conjecture that it had been built by 'elmerson Welding of Wannaska Township. “She’s purty beaten up to be so new, eh. She’s hardly representative of Knorr’s high quality work.”
“No, you old fool!” Ula shot back, looking over his shoulder and turning the steering wheel with both his hands as he did. “Not Knorr! ‘is dad, 'elmer Andrewson. Dis ‘ere truck is over a hunnert years old, whacha t’inkin’? She vas new in 1918! Da only reason she’s still runnin’ at all is because of Andrewson & 'elmerson 'orseshoeing, Blacksmith & Velding Shop.”
“Vell, dat makes sense den eh, “Sven said, makin’ sure Ula didn’t hit anything of Festus’s on their way out, like his two electric pellet smokers, a gasoline-powered woodsplitter, a working homemade distillery (he had said he ‘appropriated during a raid’), a couple leather saddles and bridles one laying atop the other, a fenderless bicycle with a basket on behind, and an old wide-front John Deere with a homemade snowplow on it. Sven always liked to visit Festus’s yard because it so interesting. “I yust need to get more stuff.”
Dodging deer and farm animals was second-nature to Sven and Ula. Deer were obviously trickier at it, shooting out of the ditch at on-coming cars on a 24-hour basis and all. Whereas cattle, horses, chickens, turkeys, pigs, an occasional sheep or two, guinea hens, ducks, geese, goats, mules, donkeys, large long-legged Asian birds, and your relatively infrequent elephant, zebra, gnu, wildebeest, wart hog, gazelle, lizard, large snake, alligator, crocodile, and cat-like animals such as a tiger, cheetah, mountain lion and cougar; your hyena, and wild dogs like the dingo, fox, coyote or wolf - did I mention American Bison?-- may be encountered indiscriminately. It was absolutely necessary that drivers be on high alert and pay closer attention.
Even as small children, Wannaska Township drivers were schooled to become good drivers: Hands at ‘ten-to-two’ or 'nine & three' on the steering wheel; Eyes alert for every possible contingency; drivers must maintain correct posture behind the wheel--no slouching-- for driving in Wannaska Township was no lark. Or robin. Nor nesting fowl. You had to drive like your life and those of others depended on it.
And Sven was quite aware of that. “Damn!” Sven yelled unexpectedly. “I fergot me 'elmet an gogguls!” Wearing a helmet and goggles whenever he rode with Ula, anywhere, were a part of Sven’s new year resolutions, and he had started the new year right off not remembering to put them on. “Dey vere right by da door dere, on a new nail I installed yust fer dat purpose alone an’. . .”
“OH, DAT VAS VAT DAT VAS FOR?” interrupted Ula. “I put me yacket on it, I dint see ‘em ‘angin’ dere an’ I said to meself, “‘New nail? How convenient!’” I ‘tought ya vas t’inkin’ of me, da kindly man ya are an’ all, nut makin’ me valk all da vay to da clothes closet to ‘ang me yacket, me da four-more-years-older aged man I am den youse, vun step closer to me deat’ den, likely, da likes of youse. Me mistake.”
“Ha, ha! Got ya! Absolutely. I vas yust yokin’,” Sven interjected quick like. “Ya, I vas t’inkin’ yust da udder day ‘ow much I appreciate our friendship an’ all, an’ vat cud I possibly do ‘roun’ me ‘ome dere to aid yer comfort ven youse visit me an’ Monique, ven meself said, outa da blue like, “‘Mebbe you cud install a simple nail dere fer yer favorite elderly male friend Ula Josephson, sose ‘e vudn’t ‘ave to valk all da vay to da clothes closet to ‘ang up ‘is yacket.’” An’ sose I did. Glad ya like it.”
“‘ow’s yer new years resolutions goin’ Sven? said Ula, keeping his eyes glued on the road. “Veren’t ya goin’ to start vearin’ a 'elmet an’ gogguls ven ya vere out drivin’ vit’ me?”
Sven didn’t answer, instead he just braced his feet against the floor and took a firmer grip on the handhold over the door of the truck. He’d been doing this for thirty years and few life-threatening things had happened; he’d just see it through to the end doing it this way.
“Guess Festus ain’t ‘ome, eh,” Sven asked when Ula came back to his truck. “I saw da curtains open yust a little, but it musta been da vind, cuz dey closed right back up. ‘e must be out trackin’ sum felons down or fuelin’ up ‘is squad car in Vannaska, doh it looks like its taillights stickin’ out da hay shed dere . . .”
Ula didn’t want to press the issue. “Yah, ‘e’s sleepin’, I ‘eard ‘im snorin’. No sense in vakin’ ‘im fer a question ‘bout sum new neighbors. Let’s yust go up to da Tin Man’s place an’ introduce ourselves, ya bein’ yerself an’ me bein’ meself, as ve are.”
“Vudint vant it any udder vay, “answered Sven, trying hard to get his seat belt hooked. “Geesus man, vy don’t ya git dis ‘ere fixed? I donut t’ink dis ‘ere contrapshun is legal-eagle, if’n ya know vat I’m sayin’, Ula.”
“Aye, a screen door hook ‘n eye seat latch was original equipment ven I bought dis ‘ere rig, she vas all original, right down to da balin’ vire ‘oldin’ down da spare tire dere,” Ula said, pointin’ as he climbed into the Trapper Truck. “Da only t’ing I done vas add dis ‘ere ten-ton capstan vinch, den beef up da front end alittle to carry it. Dis ‘ere vinch vill pull dis ‘ere rig to Skime an’ back, given a little time. Says so, right on it. "She may be slow, but out ya go." I t’ink 'elmerson Velding bilt it.”
“Knorr? Knorr 'elmerson built dis ‘ere Trapper Truck?” asked Sven, suspicious of Ula’s conjecture that it had been built by 'elmerson Welding of Wannaska Township. “She’s purty beaten up to be so new, eh. She’s hardly representative of Knorr’s high quality work.”
 |
| Ula's Trapper Truck with Capstan Winch |
“Vell, dat makes sense den eh, “Sven said, makin’ sure Ula didn’t hit anything of Festus’s on their way out, like his two electric pellet smokers, a gasoline-powered woodsplitter, a working homemade distillery (he had said he ‘appropriated during a raid’), a couple leather saddles and bridles one laying atop the other, a fenderless bicycle with a basket on behind, and an old wide-front John Deere with a homemade snowplow on it. Sven always liked to visit Festus’s yard because it so interesting. “I yust need to get more stuff.”
Dodging deer and farm animals was second-nature to Sven and Ula. Deer were obviously trickier at it, shooting out of the ditch at on-coming cars on a 24-hour basis and all. Whereas cattle, horses, chickens, turkeys, pigs, an occasional sheep or two, guinea hens, ducks, geese, goats, mules, donkeys, large long-legged Asian birds, and your relatively infrequent elephant, zebra, gnu, wildebeest, wart hog, gazelle, lizard, large snake, alligator, crocodile, and cat-like animals such as a tiger, cheetah, mountain lion and cougar; your hyena, and wild dogs like the dingo, fox, coyote or wolf - did I mention American Bison?-- may be encountered indiscriminately. It was absolutely necessary that drivers be on high alert and pay closer attention.
Even as small children, Wannaska Township drivers were schooled to become good drivers: Hands at ‘ten-to-two’ or 'nine & three' on the steering wheel; Eyes alert for every possible contingency; drivers must maintain correct posture behind the wheel--no slouching-- for driving in Wannaska Township was no lark. Or robin. Nor nesting fowl. You had to drive like your life and those of others depended on it.
And Sven was quite aware of that. “Damn!” Sven yelled unexpectedly. “I fergot me 'elmet an gogguls!” Wearing a helmet and goggles whenever he rode with Ula, anywhere, were a part of Sven’s new year resolutions, and he had started the new year right off not remembering to put them on. “Dey vere right by da door dere, on a new nail I installed yust fer dat purpose alone an’. . .”
“OH, DAT VAS VAT DAT VAS FOR?” interrupted Ula. “I put me yacket on it, I dint see ‘em ‘angin’ dere an’ I said to meself, “‘New nail? How convenient!’” I ‘tought ya vas t’inkin’ of me, da kindly man ya are an’ all, nut makin’ me valk all da vay to da clothes closet to ‘ang me yacket, me da four-more-years-older aged man I am den youse, vun step closer to me deat’ den, likely, da likes of youse. Me mistake.”
“Ha, ha! Got ya! Absolutely. I vas yust yokin’,” Sven interjected quick like. “Ya, I vas t’inkin’ yust da udder day ‘ow much I appreciate our friendship an’ all, an’ vat cud I possibly do ‘roun’ me ‘ome dere to aid yer comfort ven youse visit me an’ Monique, ven meself said, outa da blue like, “‘Mebbe you cud install a simple nail dere fer yer favorite elderly male friend Ula Josephson, sose ‘e vudn’t ‘ave to valk all da vay to da clothes closet to ‘ang up ‘is yacket.’” An’ sose I did. Glad ya like it.”
“‘ow’s yer new years resolutions goin’ Sven? said Ula, keeping his eyes glued on the road. “Veren’t ya goin’ to start vearin’ a 'elmet an’ gogguls ven ya vere out drivin’ vit’ me?”
Sven didn’t answer, instead he just braced his feet against the floor and took a firmer grip on the handhold over the door of the truck. He’d been doing this for thirty years and few life-threatening things had happened; he’d just see it through to the end doing it this way.
Thanks again for da nail dere. and for da boot puller too. A real back saver.
ReplyDeleteVannaska - Vanessa - Vanessa Vannaska. Beauty pageant anyone?
ReplyDeleteMaybe a "working homemade distillery" for b'ssert?