Sunday News

 

The Palmville Globe Volume 2 Number 7

Trouser Press Heals Itself

Joe McDonnell, 78 and a resident of Palmville Twp, Minnesota, was recently the beneficiary of a spontaneous repair to his trousers press. "Last year a friend gave me several trousers clamps that had belonged to her late father," McDonnell tells the press. "These clamps were made back in the fifties when people knew how to make such things. Very retro. Each clamp holds one pair of trousers. It takes a few tries to get 'the hang' of the clamps. One clamp however was hard to lock and unlock so I took it to my shop for repairs. With one thing and another it was several months before I got to work on the clamp, and when I did, there was no longer anything wrong with it." In a later report McDonnell writes that the clamp is back in service and is working perfectly. "I love these minor miracles," he says.

Man Finds Lost Bolt

Joe McDonnell, 78 and a self-taught chimney sweep, recently replaced the bolt for the clamp that holds the cap on his chimney in place. "I don't like going up on the roof until the snow is gone, but the cap had gotten plugged with creosote," he tells the press. "The bolt that holds the clamp for the cap is a little too short and every year I resolve to get a longer bolt, so this time I left the clamp unbolted and hanging loose under the cap. Later when I was headed to town for a new bolt, I couldn't find the old bolt. Now I had to go up on the roof and get the clamp to make sure the new bolt would fit. Everything's back together now, but the new bolt is a little too long, though it does work." In a follow-up email, McDonnell says the old bolt just showed up on the path outside the front door. "I hadn't bothered Saint Anthony to find the lost bolt," he says. "I save him for emergencies."

Squib Cellar

Just when we really need an off-ramp, all the exits are in a bad part of town. 

The goat, the ultimate loser, supersized his letters and became the G.O.A.T. 

When I edit, I remove redundant words, replacing them with words that clarify...fingers crossed.

You might see this sign on the desk of a snarky boss: 

“A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” 

But not on the desk of the captain of the Titanic. 

The greatest efficiency experts die early due to their sedentary lifestyle. 

We feel guilty complaining about our First World problems, but even the most impoverished immigrant, once he gets on his feet, will soon be complaining his latte is too bubbly. 

Irony: sarcasm tempered with good manners.