The Sunday News

 

The Palmville Globe

Volume 1 Issue 3

Man Struggles with Bank Key 

Joe McDonnell, 77 and a resident of Palmville TWP, Minnesota, recently struggled several minutes trying to remove his key from the lock of the overnight deposit box at the bank in town. McDonnell, 77, told reporters “It’s been extremely cold this month but that’s to be expected in this area at this time of year. Once a month I drop the Sunday church collection at the drive-up deposit box.  You have to turn a lock 90 degrees counter-clockwise and then the deposit-drop cylinder rolls towards you revealing an opening big enough for your bag. There’s a satisfying clunk when you release the handle and your bag drops into the vault. This lock is stiff even in July. When I mention this stiffness to people they say they don’t have any problem.  I thought the lock would be super stiff today because it was a super cold day, but it wasn’t that bad and I dropped in the bag and released the handle. I heard my bag go clunk, but then the lock wouldn’t turn all the way back to vertical to release my key. I was hanging out my car window struggling with the thing. It was so cold I had to put my glove on. I started to panic because I knew the Baptists would be coming soon with their money bag. I said to the key, don’t make me get the pliers, and right away the key came out. I was glad I had mentioned my stiff lock problem earlier that morning at church to a woman who also makes the deposit and she said she’d tell her daughter who works at the bank to be sure to pass that along."

Man Declares Early End to Winter

Joe McDonnell, 77 and a fit retiree, tells the press that winter is over despite the fact that the calendar says winter doesn't end till March 20 this year. "The calendar is talking about Astronomical Winter," says McDonnell, 77. "I'm talking about Psychological Winter. Totally different. Lots of Minnesotans, mostly retirees, move to Florida, Texas or Arizona around Thanksgiving to escape Psychological Winter. I could move too, but I'd just spend all winter worrying about my house back in Minnesota freezing up. If you say "Minnesota" to a non-Minnesotan he or she will say "cold". When it's cold people stay inside where it's warm. That's fine when you have lots of big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas to keep you busy, but it gets quiet after the Holidays except for the sound of the furnace running. Soon cabin fever sets in, the main symptom being a lack of interest in everything. The only cure is Psychological Spring which starts when the long-range forecast shows no below-zero temperatures for the next ten days. That happened today. There's also Meteorological Winter, which is similar but different." 

Squib Cellar

Musk is cutting off the flow of governmental grease to see which wheels squeal the loudest. 

There will be burnt bearings. 

Once you start wishing away your winter days, come spring it’s hard to put the brakes on, stopping only in time to rake the falling leaves. 

If we haven’t looked in a cardboard box for over a year we’re supposed to throw it away. But what if the next year we can’t find our bitcoins. We’ll be forever haunted that our coins were in that box. 

Life is like a game though one difference is that we expect a game to be fair. 

One similarity is that you can always take your ball and go home.

As I enter my second childhood I must watch for rookie errors, especially since I’ve been entrusted with the car keys and a credit card. 

The bad poet says words won't rhyme, or few

The good poet's shocked that so many do

Crisis means crossroads and a chance to change direction. 

Most people don't have crises but rather bumps in the road of greater or lesser dooziness.

The child rips open the pile of presents under the tree, downs a plate of sugar plums, and falls into a troubled sleep.

The adult is leery of gifts and likes his-her sugar plums distilled, if at all.