Limerick Competition, Naughty Limericks, and a Retirement. No Fooling!
Let’s get straight to it. This post contains two subjects. Neither one falls in the category of the April Fools’ Day joke tradition, even though today marks the 2024 celebration of fooling around. Of that let loose: day of frivolity, silliness, and sometimes cruelty.
This April First post marks the final entry of our limerick romp of past weeks. The competition for the best limericks is still alive and on schedule. On 8 April, winners will be announced. If you want to receive the results, send your email address to catherineastenzel@gmail.com. More on the final limerick post/contest can be found below.
Second, this April First, 2024, post is the final one for Jack Pine Savage’s six-year-plus run with Wannaskan Almanac. She is retiring in favor of time to finish her forthcoming book, Tears for the Samurai, and after that the completion of her epic poem, The One, currently estimated to be about two-hundred pages, most of which have been posted right here in Wannaskan Almanac. If you wish to be kept informed on the progress of both or either, please add a request to your email containing your limerick votes, or if you don’t want to vote, send a different email stating your wish for updates on the publications. Send them to the same email address. You will be directed to the project website.
LIMERICKS – COMPETITION – BACKGROUND
Yes, true to our word, we will give you a look at “naughty” limericks. But first, what you’ve been waiting for (Yes? We hope so.) – all the limericks entered our contest including a second look at the semi-finalists, first presented in 18 March’s post. You’ll be happy to hear that since then we have had many more competitors enter their verses. We have numbered each limerick to make it simple to vote. PICK THE TWO LIMERICKS YOU THINK ARE WINNERS AND SEND THE NUMBERS OF THE LIMERICKS TO JACK PINE SAVAGE AT catherineastenzel@gmail.com. Votes must be received by midnight on Friday, 5 April. Winners and prizes will be announced in the post of Monday 8 April.
To repeat, here are the criteria that are the lion’s share of what makes a limerick a limerick. You may use these to help you pick your winners.
- Creativity
- Cliches not allowed
- Light-heartedness a plus
- More than a few yuks
- Modest work required for interpretation
- Rhymes, if you please, but optional
- Standard rhyme pattern: AABBA – also amenable to variation
- Syllable count by line is something like 9-9-6-6-9
- Leeway to play around
- Humor – Fun – Dangerous at cocktail parties, if such events still exist.
- Handle with care: bawdy and taboo verses.
Prizes: Two prizes will be awarded of the culinary kind. An honorable mention will also be given.
Here are all the entries we received. Please cast your vote for two and send them to catherineastenze@gmail.com by end of day Friday, 5 April.
1.
There once was a man from New Haven
Who said he was giving up shaving
His wife said alas
No kiss from this lass
Thus his beard was soon lost in a cave in
2.
You call for a limerick bawdy
O Catherine you are very nawdy
To compose such a rhyme
Will take extra time
I must start with a very hot toddy
3.
There once was a chairman named Joe,
who liked to walk out in the snow.
All quiet and still,
Through each valley and hill,
He much prefers taking life slow.
4.
J P S and her dear husband Woe
like watering words so they grow.
Tucked in close to the woods,
they eschew silly shoulds.
Like spring rivers their ideas do flow
5.
There was a mad writer named Joe
Who knew how to make his words flow
Whether wisdom or pun
He had lots of fun
As he built his squib portfolio
6.
Der vonce vas a poet from Virginny
Her vit it vas big, no not mini.
Tho she's not Norvegian
Her vords flow artesian,
Dis is da teapoet skinny.
7.
There once was a boy named Troy
Who loved to play with his toys
And once they break
Pa's cash he takes
And gets away with his ploy.
8.
An ode to our lady cat Scrawny
Who sleeps between all her yawnies
She's got not a flaw
Til she pops out a claw
And scratches my poor little hawny.
9.
There once was a boy named Ray
Who played on the computer all day
He was hungry
So he went to Mungry
And realized there was so much to pay.
10.
There once was a boy named Reuter
Who didn't do anything but play on the 'puter
Then one day
He gave it away
And realized the world was much beaut'er.
11.
There once was a boy named Antonin
Whose rhymin' was just catastophin'
He was pretty old
For a pot of gold
So he settled on the Hampton Inn.
12.
There once was a boy from Wannaska
Who hoped to ensnare him an Oscar
He gave it his best
He beat his own breast
But the response was as cold as Alaska
13.
There once was a man from New Haven
Who said he was giving up shaving
His wife said alas
No kiss from this lass
Thus his beard was soon lost in a cave in
14.
Limerick is where, was her query
Why it sits on the Shannon in Eire
Ironical yes
So give it the gas
Let us laugh before we grow teary
15.
There once was a far-seeing seer
Who went by the name of Ed Lear
Ironical yes
So give it the gas
And take off in a Boeing or Leer
16.
You call for a limerick bawdy
O Catherine you are very nawdy
To compose such a rhyme
Will take extra time
I must start with a very hot toddy
17
There once was a chairman named Joe,
who liked to walk out in the snow.
All quiet and still,
Through each valley and hill,
He much prefers taking life slow.
18.
As Joe walks his fine mind wanders free.
He’ll find squibs in the nook of a tree.
A magician of sorts,
every Sunday he sports
an assortment he offers with glee!
19.
Teresa McD sets out, too.
if it rains she says, heck, I’ll make do.
Off she treks with a smile,
covering many-a-mile.
Wet or dry she’s a champ through and through.
20.
Once back home on her couch she does sit
with her yarn and her needles she knits
pretty sweaters for tots
all hand-made, not store bought.
Her great energy just doesn’t quit.
21.
J P S and her dear husband Woe
like watering words so they grow.
Tucked in close to the woods,
they eschew silly shoulds.
Like spring rivers their ideas do flow
22.
Woe’s word book is always nearby
He looks up words that make poets cry.
But our angel JP
offers great poetry
Both great wordsmiths who’ve earned my high five!
23.
There once was a dear husband name Joe
who took coffee pods outdoors to throw
But Teresa said I
don't want roses to die
But I like when you make pizza dough!
24.
There once was a girl from Japan
who flirted all day with her fan.
At night, so it’s told,
her lithe body she sold,
and a very brisk business began.
25.
There was a young lady from Reading
whose parents were always a-fretting.
They’d turn out the lights,
and she’d sneak out at night,
and they never knew where she was bedding.
26.
There once was a monk named Aquinas
His first poem was dinged for its dryness
So he formed a new scheme
That's stood tests of time
Of the limerick he reigns now as Highness
27.
There once was an anapest foot
Those who heard it said ja das ist gut
The poet must think
And not too much drink
Or her limericks will end underfoot
28.
There was a bad poet alack
Whose limerick was non-amphibrach
He let out a yell
And said it was hell
When his lines were stretched out on the rack
29.
There once was a dog from Nantucket
Who carried his tail in a bucket
Of this he got sick
Gave the bucket a kick
And his tail twixt his legs he then tucked it
30.
Bostonians do it with grace
New Yorkers all pick up the pace
Whatever your style
When you’re running 5 miles
The result is a very red face
AND NOW (drum roll) FOR OUR FINAL JPS FEATURE
Naughty Bawdy Limericks
Now as promised, here is the other subject of this post: naughty-bawdy limericks, sometimes described as rude, vulgar, crude, dirty, smutty, scatological, sexual, and a few dozen other adjectives. We could have presented some truly salacious verses, but in the WA spirit, we chose to keep our offerings relatively tame while retaining their entertainment appeal. In our research, we did dig up some truly naughty verses. But hey, WA is family entertainment. Still, we have kinda crossed the line with a few. See below. Leave a comment, if you like.
Like limericks of all kinds, the “naughty limerick” has a long history. Variations of the limerick form have been found dating as far back as the 14th century (or even earlier if you count Aquinas, nestled into nursery rhymes. Peppered throughout the history of the English language, such rhymes were also bellowed by merry-makers in taverns and pubs. Irreverent poetry was easily remembered even by the inebriated.
No matter how the limerick began or how it became popularized, the poetic form easily transitioned to a bawdy sort of verse. Because it is so easy to create, you needn’t be Shakespeare to write a limerick; the only real requirement is a sense of humor.
The limerick has often been and very well may always be a naughty form of poetry. Many times, the poet makes fun of himself, offering a satirical view of human nature and the over-developed dirty mind. Its exploration of outrageous behaviors, real and imagined, allow the reader to laugh away sexual inferiority, attitudes of the day, or misadventures.
For those who want to give limerick writing a try, one might consider the absurdities of popular culture, the beliefs of the day, or human behavior. This is your opportunity to make fun of the things you wouldn’t consider bringing up otherwise. Look to comedians and satirists for a little inspiration if you have trouble getting started. It’s your turn to write an irreverent limerick. Who knows? It could become a poem recited in dusty taverns for generations to come. Here are a few samples to inspire your bawdy lyrics:
On the breast of the lovely Miss Hale
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille.
There was a young girl from Madras,
Who had an adorable ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think—
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You must admit
It stunk like shit
But think of the money Dave saved
There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon.
When least you’d expect ‘em
They’d burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.
Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You're a very attractive young germ.
Come join me, my sweet,
Let our nuclei meet
And in nine months we'll both come to term."
There once was a man from madras
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They clang together
And sparks fly out of his ass!
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
It is an unfortunate habit
Of the rabbit to breed like a rabbit
One can say without question
This leads to congestion
In the burrows that rabbits inhabit
There was a young maiden from Kent
Who certainly knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
Gave her cocktails and wine,
She knew, oh, she knew! — but she went.
A delighted, incredulous bride
Remarked to the groom at her side,
“I never could quite
Believe till tonight
Our anatomies would coincide!”
A newlywed couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly
Because in their haste
They’d used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
A winsome young lady of Wimleigh,
Reproached for not acting more primly,
Said “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an attractive facsimile!”
There once was a girl who intended
To keep herself morally splendid
And ascend into glory,
Which is quite a good story,
Except that that’s not how it ended.
Said Queen Isabella of Spain,
“I like it—just now and again.
But I wish to explain
That by ‘now and again’
I mean NOW, and again, and AGAIN.”
There once was a nympho named Bright
Who demanded a dozen a night.
A fellow named Ray
Chose to wed her one day. . .
His chance of survival is slight.
An Argentine pervert named Bruno
Once said, “There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A man is divine,
But a llama is número uno!”
There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were somewhat inferia.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn’t have done,
And now she’s a Mother Superia.
Ol’ Brigham was surely no neutah,
And was hardly a pansy or fruitah,
For fifty-five virgins
Succumbed to his urgin’s,
Thus founding the whole state of Utah.
Tha’ Tha’ That’s all folks!
Thanks for your readership – or not – still love y’all
See ya ‘round Wannaska!
CatherineStenzel, aka Jack Pine Savage ---
It seems right that your last post is chock full of your readers'poems, JPS. Throughout, you have challenged readers to reflect, write, and explore! Write on, grrrrrrrrrrrl!
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