November 20, 2018
Christmas is coming. At least Walmart, Target, and a host of others seem to think that the season is upon us. This year I saw tear away packaging to quickly switch candy from Halloween to Christmas. Very sneaky.
I thought I would do some Christmas song remakes...I apologize in advance to nobody in particular.
Rachel the Red Headed Reindeer
Rachel, the red-headed reindeer,
Had a very tiny fuse.
And if you ever crossed her
You would very quickly lose.
All of the other reindeer,
used to talk behind her back.
They wouldn't dare confront her
For fear of a red-headed attack.
Then one happy Christmas Eve
Santa dared to say...
Rachel with your hair so red
Won't you dye it black instead.
Then all the reindeer mourned him
Crying out hysterically
Santa should have known better
Thanks to Rachel he's now history!
Okay, so I probably upset our huge contingent of red-headed readers. I used to be red-headed, but I am slowly going grey. Or is it gray? I don't know. On to my next attempt at satire.
Deck the Bells
Deck the bells
Deck the bells
Fa La La all the way
Oh what fun
It is to sing
Buddy Holly every day
That was what is called a mashup. A mashup is where you take two or more songs and make them into one. Most of them are just as good as the one I just wrote, which says a lot.
Next I will butcher a Christmas classic...twas the night before Christmas.
Twas The Night I Stole Cookies
Twas the night I stole cookies, and all though our house
everyone was sleeping so I crept out like a mouse.
The cookies I sought were out on the table
With a side glass of milk supplied by our cow Mabel.
The cookies were Nestle-Toll house chocolate chips
An extra large size that made me smack my lips
It was my mothers recipe, they tasted so sweet
It caused me to almost trip on my own feet.
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter
Had someone climbed up on the house with a ladder?
I abandoned my cookie quest and looked out the window
And saw that the yard was alit with a red glow.
The streets were all gray with the thrice plowed up snows
And the banks were all yellow where my neighbor's dog goes.
I slipped out the door and tried to relax
But that's when up on the roof I saw unusual tracks.
The tracks led to a sleigh, with a driver so quick
I knew that it must be that cookie thief St. Nick!
His reindeer accomplices were looking around
And that's when I heard this ear-splitting sound;
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen!
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!
Search the porch! Search the kitchen! Search every last place.
Those cookies are mine said Saint Nick, hungry look on his face.
The reindeer donned their masks and began to reply
By searching for cookies for Santa to try.
All over the house they literally flew
If I'd had my gun they'd have made a good stew.
Then to my disgust I heard near the tree
The sound of Santa walking near my cookie!
I clenched up my fist and without a sound
Walked between Santa and my cookie and there stood my ground.
Santa was dressed like a ninja...albeit in red
And his clothes were covered with crumbs from his toes to his head.
I crouched like a tiger ready to attack
There was no way Santa was getting my snack!
His eyes how they squinted, as he tried to look scary!
So I squinted right back and told him "Do not tarry!"
From his cookie filled mouth he started to drool
Saliva formed on the floor in a disgusting pool!
His breath smelled like chocolate...most likely a Heath
He looked ready to fight as he showed me his teeth
His bearded face and big round belly
Were both covered in cookie crumbs and jelly
He offered a deal that I quickly refused
Presents for those cookies, I wasn't amused
In the wink of an eye I snatched up the treats
And wolfed them all down, a miraculous feat
Santa spoke not a word, gone was his perk
Eaten quite quickly by an overweight jerk.
He squinted his eyes and wrinkled his nose
And somehow the fat guy up the chimney arose.
He escaped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Buy your own @#$%^^& presents at Walmart tonight!
I know Santa doesn't swear. And he isn't a cookie thieving villain. But he did offer me some eggnog with brandy in it. At least that is what I told my wife. Thanks for reading!
Christmas is coming. At least Walmart, Target, and a host of others seem to think that the season is upon us. This year I saw tear away packaging to quickly switch candy from Halloween to Christmas. Very sneaky.
I thought I would do some Christmas song remakes...I apologize in advance to nobody in particular.
Rachel the Red Headed Reindeer
Rachel, the red-headed reindeer,
Had a very tiny fuse.
And if you ever crossed her
You would very quickly lose.
All of the other reindeer,
used to talk behind her back.
They wouldn't dare confront her
For fear of a red-headed attack.
Then one happy Christmas Eve
Santa dared to say...
Rachel with your hair so red
Won't you dye it black instead.
Then all the reindeer mourned him
Crying out hysterically
Santa should have known better
Thanks to Rachel he's now history!
Okay, so I probably upset our huge contingent of red-headed readers. I used to be red-headed, but I am slowly going grey. Or is it gray? I don't know. On to my next attempt at satire.
Deck the Bells
Deck the bells
Deck the bells
Fa La La all the way
Oh what fun
It is to sing
Buddy Holly every day
That was what is called a mashup. A mashup is where you take two or more songs and make them into one. Most of them are just as good as the one I just wrote, which says a lot.
Next I will butcher a Christmas classic...twas the night before Christmas.
Twas The Night I Stole Cookies
Twas the night I stole cookies, and all though our house
everyone was sleeping so I crept out like a mouse.
The cookies I sought were out on the table
With a side glass of milk supplied by our cow Mabel.
The cookies were Nestle-Toll house chocolate chips
An extra large size that made me smack my lips
It was my mothers recipe, they tasted so sweet
It caused me to almost trip on my own feet.
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter
Had someone climbed up on the house with a ladder?
I abandoned my cookie quest and looked out the window
And saw that the yard was alit with a red glow.
The streets were all gray with the thrice plowed up snows
And the banks were all yellow where my neighbor's dog goes.
I slipped out the door and tried to relax
But that's when up on the roof I saw unusual tracks.
The tracks led to a sleigh, with a driver so quick
I knew that it must be that cookie thief St. Nick!
His reindeer accomplices were looking around
And that's when I heard this ear-splitting sound;
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen!
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!
Search the porch! Search the kitchen! Search every last place.
Those cookies are mine said Saint Nick, hungry look on his face.
The reindeer donned their masks and began to reply
By searching for cookies for Santa to try.
All over the house they literally flew
If I'd had my gun they'd have made a good stew.
Then to my disgust I heard near the tree
The sound of Santa walking near my cookie!
I clenched up my fist and without a sound
Walked between Santa and my cookie and there stood my ground.
Santa was dressed like a ninja...albeit in red
And his clothes were covered with crumbs from his toes to his head.
I crouched like a tiger ready to attack
There was no way Santa was getting my snack!
His eyes how they squinted, as he tried to look scary!
So I squinted right back and told him "Do not tarry!"
From his cookie filled mouth he started to drool
Saliva formed on the floor in a disgusting pool!
His breath smelled like chocolate...most likely a Heath
He looked ready to fight as he showed me his teeth
His bearded face and big round belly
Were both covered in cookie crumbs and jelly
He offered a deal that I quickly refused
Presents for those cookies, I wasn't amused
In the wink of an eye I snatched up the treats
And wolfed them all down, a miraculous feat
Santa spoke not a word, gone was his perk
Eaten quite quickly by an overweight jerk.
He squinted his eyes and wrinkled his nose
And somehow the fat guy up the chimney arose.
He escaped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Buy your own @#$%^^& presents at Walmart tonight!
I know Santa doesn't swear. And he isn't a cookie thieving villain. But he did offer me some eggnog with brandy in it. At least that is what I told my wife. Thanks for reading!
You've inspired me John.
ReplyDeleteMethuselah, the white haired greybeard,
Had a very red-veined nose.
And if you ever asked him, he would probably say, "Who knows?"
All of the other greybeards used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Methuselah play in any bingo games.
Then one dark and stormy night, Headnurse came to say,
"Methuselah with your hair so white, won't you run to the liquor store tonight."
Then all the greybeards loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
"Methuselah the red-veined greybeard,
You're the life of this party."
Okay. Okay. You guys! Once again, I find someone (someones) muscling in on my Monday poetry. The nerve! My only consolation is how bad are your attempts at rhyme and meter. And really, do you two know what day it is? We're nowhere near that December holiday; we haven't even trudged through the one the day after tomorrow. Anyway, back to poetry. I have to say I did enjoy reading what I'm sure required a fair bit of effort on your parts. Three cookies for that! Maybe I'll try my had at holiday verse, but then, as some of my fellow Almanac writers have pointed out, that wouldn't exactly fit with my dark and stormy standard stock. Thanks for the chuckles. JP Savage
ReplyDeleteWe're so bad we're good. Our doggerel barks🐩
Delete