The Demise of Wife Number Five

 

   Before we went to England I read a book of English history, but I only got up to the Tudors before we left home. The Tudors (1509-1603) were a very interesting group, consisting of three kings and two queens. We think our own politics are rough and tumble, but back then looking at the king (or queen) the wrong way could get you beheaded.

  The willingness to use the ax was understandable. If you were the king or queen of England, someone was always trying to kill you and take your place. You kept an army of spies and informers, and struck first. The advantage of being a royal was you could make your killings look legal.

   Whenever I hear anything about the Tudors I perk up. I feel like I know them. Today for example, is the anniversary in 1542 of the beheading of Henry VIII's fifth wife Catherine Howard, for adultery. She was actually beheaded for treason. If the queen got pregnant by someone else, the whole royal succession was thrown into doubt.

   Henry was obsessed with succession. His father Henry VII became king by winning the last battle of the Wars of the Roses. The younger Henry wanted to secure his legacy with a son. Civil wars are bad for a country. Things started well with Henry's first wife, Catherine of Aragon. Catherine was pregnant at least eight times. Baby Henry died at 52 days. Baby Mary survived into adulthood. There were several miscarriages and still births, sons among them. Scientists now think Henry had a blood condition that led to the failure of most of his spouses' pregnancies. 

   Eventually Catherine had to be replaced for failing to produce a son for Henry. Also, he had become infatuated with Anne Boleyn. In those days royalty could appeal to the pope for an annulment and it would usually be granted. But the pope at the time was under the thumb of the king of Spain who was Catherine's nephew. So Henry pulled the country out of the Catholic Church and started the Church of England with himself as head. His new bishop willingly proclaimed Henry’s marriage to Catherine null and void. 

   Anne Boleyn and Henry were married with great pomp and Anne quickly produced...a daughter, Elizabeth. Anne next had two miscarriages, one a son. Meanwhile Henry was lining up wife number three. Catherine had been treated well after the annulment because Henry feared Spain, but Anne had no such protector. Henry's advisor Thomas Cromwell concocted charges of adultery against Anne. Historians believe Anne was innocent, but she and her five accused lovers were all beheaded. Actually the alleged lover who was a commoner was hanged, drawn and quartered. Beheading was only for the nobles.

   Henry married Jane Seymour eleven days after Anne's execution. This marriage was a quiet affair. A year later Jane gave birth to a son. She was safe! Except she died twelve days later. Henry needed a new wife. He needed a spare heir. Henry had watched his older brother Arthur die at age 15, a few months after marrying Catherine of Aragon. Henry then stepped into Arthur's shoes and married the widowed Catherine.

   After Jane's death, Henry sent Thomas Cromwell to Europe to find a good match for him. Thomas came up with Anne, a noblewoman from the Duchy of Cleves in modern Germany. Such a marriage would give Henry support among the German princes who had also broken with Rome. Henry ordered a portrait of Anne. The portrait was not to flatter Anne so Henry could see what he was getting.

   Cromwell concluded the negotiations and Anne arrived in England. Henry was dissatisfied with Anne's appearance but felt unable to back out without causing a diplomatic storm. He told friends he did not consummate his marriage to Anne because she lacked the right stuff. After six months he asked Anne for an annulment which she agreed to. Anne remained in England the rest of her life. Henry treated her well to avoid trouble from the Germans.  Henry blamed Cromwell for his embarrassment. It was treason to embarrass the king and Cromwell was beheaded the same day Henry married wife number five, Catherine Howard. Talk about karma.

   Henry was 49 on his wedding day. Catherine was seventeen. Henry had been handsome and athletic early in his reign. At 49 he was morbidly obese, in constant pain from non-healing ulcers in his legs, and probably impotent, yet infatuated with Catherine. She made him feel young. Catherine just wanted to have fun and Henry was no fun, so she found an intimate friend. Whether they had sex or not is not known. Enemies of Catherine's family told the king about Catherine's special friend. After 18 months as queen, Catherine lost her head. As did her friend. Catherine admitted to having had sex with a boyfriend before she married Henry. He too was executed. Being a commoner he was hanged, drawn, and quartered.

   This post is getting long but I cannot finish until wife number six is accounted for. A third Catherine, Catherine Parr, married Henry 18 months after Catherine number two had been beheaded. Why would any woman marry the murderous and ugly old Henry? Because the king willed it. Catherine Parr had a boyfriend but he was shipped off to the embassy in Belgium to get him out of the way.

   The next summer Henry went off to the last of his disastrous campaigns in France. He left Catherine in charge of the country and she did a good job. After his return to England, Henry went into serious decline and died two years later on January 28, 1547. Catherine Parr had survived and was now free to marry her old boyfriend. She got pregnant but died in childbirth at age 36. 

   Henry's son now became Edward VI at age nine. He died at age 15. He was followed by Catherine of Aragon's daughter Mary. Mary married the King of Spain and tried to make England Catholic again. This might have led to the same kind of civil war that was currently tearing France apart, but Mary died at age 26. Now the last Tudor, Elizabeth I, took the throne and presided over the beginning of England's great rise in the world.

   I recite the mnemonic Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived, to keep Henry's wives straight. Now if I could just remember which three were Catherines, which two were Annes, and where Jane comes in, I could be a hero at trivia night down at the pub.

Beauty and the Beast