Ula was sittin' there mindin' his own business when the land-line phone rings and he notices it's Sven. "Oh, oh, trouble," he thinks, not wanting to know. So, of course, not thinking, he naturally answers the phone.
"Hullo." he sez.
"Hi,' Sven sez. "I've lost the keys to your car."
"You're screwed,' Ula sez. "We don't be havin' have a spare key for that car. Where are you then?"
"Deer River, where I spent the night you know, instead of driving in a
blizzard,' Sven explained quietly. "Remember I called you guys about
12:30 AM? There's about five inches of snow over here."
"And you lost these keys ... how?' Ula implored, all the while knowing it's one of those computerized fancy
keys that not just anybody can make and wondered where can Sven could go to get
another--without the original.
Ula Googled 'Saturn Dealers,' knowing they don't make Saturns anymore and
all the dealers are probably bankrupt and standing in soup lines along
the docks in Duluth or Two Harbors. He finds one, "Saturn Dealers of
Duluth LLC," but notes that the site is dated 2009 and nothing comes up
current.
Then he noticed that Ursula has come downstairs, sleepily
holding onto the handrail, and using her numbed facial expression
wrinkled on one side of her face by the sheets and blankets she laid
upon, she mumbled--her one eyebrow raised in question; her opposite eye
yet closed in the mash of criss-cross reddish skin art--and Ula says, in
answer because as long-partnered people they know what the other is
thinking' without the other actually having to say it.
"Yes, I used matches the last time I was in there--and Lysol spray too
-- and scrubbed all the way around the inside of the toilet with
ammonia, then rinsed it with Listerine, and disinfected both sides of
the toilet seat and left you an unopened sanitary toilet seat cover on
the toilet tank… dear."
Then,
once in a while he gets it wrong thinking' he knows what she is thinking'
since they've been partnered so long, and she reacts, in that muffled,
scrunched-face sort of way like her mouth is sewn shut and she can't
yell what she really really wants to, so instead she has to use
whole-body English which very nearly topples her down the stairs.
"Oh, it's Sven,' Ula sez thinkin' of what else she could possibly be
needing' to know, if her all-consuming need for sanitary toiletry is
satisfied, quickly adding, "He lost the keys to the car."
Her eyes.. er, her 'eye,' rolled back into her head and there was a
great gnashing of teeth. From the telephone receiver Ula held
in his other hand, Sven gasped, "Hello?"
"Shut-up,' Ula sez. "Ursula is havin' a seizure here."
Turning back to Ursula, now fervishly washing the caked-on morning pheglem from her eye sockets,
Ula sez, "I told him we don't have a spare key."
Turning to face Ula, the paper towel she was using still stuck to her eyelid and cheek, Ursula sez, "I've got a spare key in me purse! I've always had one, you silly goose! How can we get it to him?"
"We could mail it,' Ula volunteered, knowing quite well what his fate was
the rest of that morning, afternoon and evening. "He can stay down there
until tomorrow. Sleep in the car…"
Sven repeats, "Hello?"
Ursula, with all the paper towel bits removed and both her eyes
functioning, the playfulness of her skin returning to her face. Her hair
alive with a morning's good brushing and teasing, takes the phone with a
loving smile and screams,
"YOU LOST THE KEYS TO MY CAR???????? WHY, I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE!!!"
Which startled Ula to no end. (Uffdah. My word. You go girl, Ula said to imself)
"Ursula! Ursula!" sez, Sven. "Calm down!" knowing the inquisition had begun.
"I've looked everywhere and I mean everywhere. In the motel room top
and bottom, bottom and top. In the bed and couch and sink. In the
bathroom. Under pillows. Mattresses. And sofa cushions. I've shoveled
the parking lot out by the car. I wouldn't call you until I exhausted
every possible place I could look and knew without a doubt that I had
lost the keys to the car."
"Where were you when you discovered they were lost?' Ursula asked. "Did you look real good in all your pockets?"
"URSULA!!!!,' I told you I've looked everywhere! Just leave me down here until I can figure out a way to get a key made," he begged.
Ula thought the mail was a good idea.
"You have to get back here for work!' Ursula insisted. Then she looked at Ula. "We'll figure something out."
"I'll saddle the horse,' Ula sez. "Pack me some vittles an' t'row 'em in
the saddle bag. I'll get dressed. I'll call work and tell 'em I'll be
late."
"I can go with you,' Ursula said playfully, her demeanor taking on a
rosy sweetness at the prospect of a 350 mile round-trip adventure to a
snowy land faraway through indian reservations, dramatic landscapes of
boreal forest, blackwater bog, and progressive northern Minnesota
metropolises.
"Okay…, I'll saddle up two horses,' Ula replied calculating the extra
salves and leg wrap materials, saddle soap, curry combs and shampoo he'd
have to pack along---and then there was all that stuff for the horses…'
"Oh, couldn't we just ride 'together' on ol' Snuffy?' she whispered hotly, her tongue now fairly deep in his ear.
"On second thought,' Ula said. "Maybe we should just take my car. That
way, it'd be much more comfortable for you and we might get there a day
or two sooner seein' as we'd have to be stopping' every so often for
you-know-what…"
"Oh, I've gone to the toilet,' she said happily. "I'll get ready too. This will be so fun!"
Some miles down the road, Ursula said, "I wonder why he couldn't find the
key with all those rings and fobs on it? That's a lot to lose all at
once."
"That's because he separated the key from 'all those rings and fob
things,' Ula said, turning the steering wheel steadily as they rounded a
curve east of Grygla. "So he could lock the car with the baby in it and go
into a store…"
"WHAT??' she exclaimed, instantly fogging up the windshield with her exhalation. "So he could lock the car with the baby in it and go into a store???"
"That's what he told me,' Ula said, bringing the thermos cup to his lips.
Well there’s a whiplash ending!
ReplyDeleteIn media res. The classic Sven and Ula epic ending.
DeleteYou might check out Wannaskawriter at https://palmvilletownshipmn.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteAmong the great literature mini-stories...
ReplyDelete". . .as long-partnered people they know what the other is thinking' without the other actually having to say it." Fav quote and verifiable in our cabin-home!
ReplyDelete