For years now the Washington Post has been in decline. Part of this is due to the fact that printed newspapers are not as popular anymore thanks to digital media, cable news, and the discovery that newspaper ink causes violent diarrhea. Long standing financial giants such as the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Roseau Times-Region have seen their readership drop dramatically in the last decade. This has led to massive layoffs. The columnists who used to work for these industry stalwarts have now retrained themselves to be bloggers, pipe decloggers, or loggers.
Those three newspapers eventually realized that to remain relevant they were going to have to dip into the world of blogging. The industry standard, of course, was the much beloved Wannaskan Almanac. A bidding war erupted, much to the delight of the Almanac's primary stockholder and long time Wannaskan resident, Marion Solom. After a lengthy and extravagant courting period, the Washington Post was able to put together a package that rivaled that of the other suitors (a full $1.47 more in stock than the Times-Region was offering) and they were able to convince Solom to sell.
Things have continued on pretty much the same as usual for us here at the Almanac. The authors' wages have remained the same (which a great concern for many of us) and the working conditions are still barely bearable. We at the Almanac will still strive to provide you with the same industry standard squibs, words, and fictitious facts that have made us so popular worldwide.
With the legal stuff out of the way, we can now get back to the important items. Today we are looking at the top ten inventions that have received patents this year.
10. Sarcasm Detector. This was only a joke when it was mentioned on the Simpsons many years ago, but thanks to the good people at We Don't Get It Inc. we now have a working model. It has been described as "really useful" and "that will sure help me in my every day life!"
9. TV Remote Remote. Nope, that isn't a grammar error. Many people struggle with losing their primary remote. With the TV Remote Remote you can still control your remote remotely. Plans are under way for a Remote Remote Remote which is the next necessary component.
8. Snow Man Weight Loss System. It might look like an ordinary hair dryer, but it is. Wannaskan entrepreneur Steve Reynolds (no relation to the Wannaskan Almanac writer) noticed that the hundreds of snowmen he had built around his house to keep him company during the long winter months were looking a bit pudgy. His invention has those snowmen (and snow ladies) looking buff in the white stuff!
7. Chia Carpet. Are you tired of rugs that stay the same height day after day? If that describes you, then get ready for the Chia Carpet. Your rug will grow right before your eyes...and the best news is you won't have to vacuum anymore. As a matter of fact, we recommend that you don't vacuum at all. Just get yourself some sheep.
6. LicoTwine. That's right, licotwine is baler twine that is made out of licorice. Whether you use baler twine to hold your bumper on, hang pictures on your wall, or even to hold hay into shape you will love the durability and taste of licotwine. When that bumper falls off you won't be swearing, your mouth will be ingesting that delicious licotwine! Currently available in black and red flavors. (Note, black flavor is actually in the red colored licotwine and vice-versa due to a manufacturing mixup)
5. Surf and Turf Funboard. Have you ever looked out over a field of grain and become mesmerized by the wind moving the stalks? Have you ever wished you could surf on those swells? Well, your wish has come true. The Surf and Turf Funboard will help you enjoy those wheat waves! You will be adored as a man outstanding in your field as you pretend to be moving around on your Funboard. (note...any actual movements that you experience will be purely coincidental)
4. Snowshoes. No, these aren't the old wood and animal sinew devices you strap to your feet when you are about to venture out on a snowy Wannaskan day. These shoes are developed for those of the hot flash generation. Feel a hot flash coming on? Just go to your freezer and pull out a pair of snow shoes. Your feet will feel fine even if the rest of you feels like you are in a lake of fire!
3. Banana Peeling Glasses. The inventor of Banana Peeling Glasses declares that he can't be the only one who feels a little blush of modesty when removing the peel from a banana. The solution...try on a pair of his glasses before disrobing your fruit. Your banana will be shrouded in what appears to be a yellow robe, even when completely naked. If modesty is your thing, then these glasses are for you!
2. M and M flavored weight watchers pills. This was an accidental invention. Dr. E Normas found that by simply turning his M and M's upside down they became a healthy weight suppressing alternative. The pounds will simply melt away if you eat your candy correctly!
1. My favorite is an actual, real invention. The baby mop was designed for the new mother or father who just doesn't have time to clean the floors. Just dip your baby in a bucket of soapy water and set them free to clean those stubborn stains!
Happy April Fools Day!
With the legal stuff out of the way, we can now get back to the important items. Today we are looking at the top ten inventions that have received patents this year.
10. Sarcasm Detector. This was only a joke when it was mentioned on the Simpsons many years ago, but thanks to the good people at We Don't Get It Inc. we now have a working model. It has been described as "really useful" and "that will sure help me in my every day life!"
9. TV Remote Remote. Nope, that isn't a grammar error. Many people struggle with losing their primary remote. With the TV Remote Remote you can still control your remote remotely. Plans are under way for a Remote Remote Remote which is the next necessary component.
8. Snow Man Weight Loss System. It might look like an ordinary hair dryer, but it is. Wannaskan entrepreneur Steve Reynolds (no relation to the Wannaskan Almanac writer) noticed that the hundreds of snowmen he had built around his house to keep him company during the long winter months were looking a bit pudgy. His invention has those snowmen (and snow ladies) looking buff in the white stuff!
7. Chia Carpet. Are you tired of rugs that stay the same height day after day? If that describes you, then get ready for the Chia Carpet. Your rug will grow right before your eyes...and the best news is you won't have to vacuum anymore. As a matter of fact, we recommend that you don't vacuum at all. Just get yourself some sheep.
6. LicoTwine. That's right, licotwine is baler twine that is made out of licorice. Whether you use baler twine to hold your bumper on, hang pictures on your wall, or even to hold hay into shape you will love the durability and taste of licotwine. When that bumper falls off you won't be swearing, your mouth will be ingesting that delicious licotwine! Currently available in black and red flavors. (Note, black flavor is actually in the red colored licotwine and vice-versa due to a manufacturing mixup)
5. Surf and Turf Funboard. Have you ever looked out over a field of grain and become mesmerized by the wind moving the stalks? Have you ever wished you could surf on those swells? Well, your wish has come true. The Surf and Turf Funboard will help you enjoy those wheat waves! You will be adored as a man outstanding in your field as you pretend to be moving around on your Funboard. (note...any actual movements that you experience will be purely coincidental)
4. Snowshoes. No, these aren't the old wood and animal sinew devices you strap to your feet when you are about to venture out on a snowy Wannaskan day. These shoes are developed for those of the hot flash generation. Feel a hot flash coming on? Just go to your freezer and pull out a pair of snow shoes. Your feet will feel fine even if the rest of you feels like you are in a lake of fire!
3. Banana Peeling Glasses. The inventor of Banana Peeling Glasses declares that he can't be the only one who feels a little blush of modesty when removing the peel from a banana. The solution...try on a pair of his glasses before disrobing your fruit. Your banana will be shrouded in what appears to be a yellow robe, even when completely naked. If modesty is your thing, then these glasses are for you!
2. M and M flavored weight watchers pills. This was an accidental invention. Dr. E Normas found that by simply turning his M and M's upside down they became a healthy weight suppressing alternative. The pounds will simply melt away if you eat your candy correctly!
1. My favorite is an actual, real invention. The baby mop was designed for the new mother or father who just doesn't have time to clean the floors. Just dip your baby in a bucket of soapy water and set them free to clean those stubborn stains!
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