Mickinock Creek / Beaver Dam: A Journal 1987
June 6, 1987
"If its true that fathers are prone to " ... rectitude and sobriety, and a decent regard for the sanctity of life after witnessing the birth of their children," (Lake Wobegon Days/ Garrison Keillor.") I guess I'm just one of the crowd after all.
"It's almost depressing to ponder that as I thought I was entertaining some real inner transition upon becoming a father (in January that year). I thought that something had affected me, particularly, and here I find out that, very possibly, a real majority of new fathers have felt the same way since the beginning of time. Nuts.
"Letting go of all the originality then I concede to the gravity of real responsibility. I relinquish the idea that I am different from the others -- and admit 'ere so slowly and reluctantly that I'm just one of the whole realm of new fathers past, present, and future.
"My utter fascination with my newborn daughter, Bonny, and our relationship just awes me. I seldom tire of her company. I find it strange to feel this way around an infant, but now because she's my own, my whole non-original outlook changes.
"When at 5-months 2-weeks old, Bonny chooses a white bib with a red kitten on it over a plain blue bib that I held up beside it, her rapid development becomes clearly evident. It excites me.
"When Bonny turns her head in the direction of my voice, or recognizes me in a crowd of faces, it thrills me. I feel very good inside.
"When I say "Up" and hold her under her arms to lift her and she holds out her hands to me, it warms me all over. "These changes are very evident to the eye, day by day.
June 20, 1987 Putting Bonny to sleep for her nap.
She fell asleep on the living room carpet. She had eaten earlier and had sucked on a bottle since, laying on her back, playing with her toes. I sat in the rocking chair beside her, watching her suck and look at me, her toes, and the bottle. Her hands felt the texture of the fabric covering my chair. She pulls on her toes, and holds the bottle in three different positions, quiet and content.
Then the bottle slipped away, and her attention turned to the texture of the chair again. She rolled to her side and played there until her eyes began to close and she fell asleep. Zzzzzz,
I watched her sleep, looking at the little bit of crusty cereal on her eyelid and the pleasant smile she held.
My left foot was under her bottom, a couple of my toes cradled her hip when it suddenly became warm on the top and I became aware all at once she had wet her diapers -- and MY FOOT!
Okay, kid! You're cute 'n all but enough of that! I picked her up, changed her diaper and put her into her crib. She stayed asleep all the while.
October 30, 1987
I watch as your mom carries you from where you have fallen asleep in my lap, into your crib. She carries you high in her arms, your head and chest cradled close to her. You're bent at your waist, little short legs hanging, swinging gently with the rhythm of her walk.
She kisses you and holds you so casually.
And I think to myself, "What a gift!" ... Her mother loves her in so many ways, some so subtle, some spontaneous, always, always so bold. Yeah ...
I feel so much more a father when you (Bonny) now hold me around my neck, or grip my shoulders when I carry you in my arms. It's like a direct or purposeful contact from you to me. It's like you saying to me, "I know who you are. I am safe with you." It warms me.
No time is better spent than feeding you, bathing you, or cradling you in my arms until you fall asleep. Nothing in the world.
 |
| Steven, Bonny, Grandpa Guy Reynolds |
Love you kid (2025)
ReplyDeleteNot all dads are the same.
Some are great.
You are one of those.
As are you.
ReplyDelete