Boo!

 Along with falling leaves, dread has darkened the streets on Capitol Hill. Gravestones preside beneath porches; skeletons rock in web-tangled chairs; green-eyed witches send spells as I pass. Summer blooms that offered joy only days ago now mock betrayal. October, the month when we willingly invite terror, has begun the year's dirty work, and it's all dressed up as fun. 

Ghosties, goulies, and long-leggity beasties and things that go bump in the night - most of us have had our share of challenges: health issues, relationship woes, and financial strain. These are the ghosts that haunt us, the ghouls that lurk in the shadows. Losses weigh heavily, and life refuses to answer every question. October, the playful trickster dressed in orange, may suggest that we have choices, but my brother, Larry, knows better.  None of us is going to get out of here alive, he quips. Of course, I always laugh at his gallows humor, but the inevitability of life's stressors is no laughing matter. Life can be scary. 

So are all sorts of disagreeable things lurking in the shadows of our lives: fear, doubt, anger, jealousy, sadness, grief, cowardice, selfishness. The list goes on of feelings we are loath to admit and entertain. My work as a psychotherapist helps folks grow their awareness of what they might be ignoring and keeps me from shoving my own issues under the rug. Lately, I've been dealing with fears of the unknown, especially considering our move to DC. We signed a one-year lease. Will we renew, or have to pack up and move again? Will we make new friends? How about our tenants? What will be their experience living in our house? Already, we've had to field calls about dripping water, stuck doors, and holes in screens that need us to fix them. 

I lie awake some nights questioning what we've done.  Friends are peeling off and entering all manner of Senior Housing. We certainly don't want to be a burden to our adult kids when we age, and we've gotten on a waiting list. How soon will we have to face that question? Living in the city feels like a treat. Have we somehow been tricked and foolish? Jim still goes to yoga weekly, and I walk long distances daily. How long will our good health hold up? 

As unsettling as these questions are, we got brave and went grave shopping in the past few months. Morbid, perhaps, but who wants to saddle others with the crucial question of dealing with remains? We've searched various cemeteries and passed on the one offering shrouds and no need for a casket. Although we were tempted by a traditional, hilly spot amid stones in Virginia, in the end, we decided to rest our bones in a lovely cemetery less than a mile from our beloved Cape Cod Canal - a stretch we've enjoyed walking and biking on for many years. 

The papers sealing the deal lie in a drawer, ready for us to mail out next week. Who knows, what frightens to the core, might be the friend I need to embrace. October's masked faldarol – ghosts, skeletons, and spooky characters – lets me rehearse fears and prepares me to face them head on. Ultimately, this month becomes the orange traffic cone on life's calendar, nudging me to take myself more seriously and, hopefully, with more courage. 

One morning, a week ago, I opened the kitchen cabinet holding cereal bowls. Without warning, they came tumbling off a faulty shelf and crashed into pieces on the floor. I collect bowls, and there were lots of them. As I stood uttering noises of disbelief, Jim swept up the broken shards. Talismans I've laid aside in a bag to strengthen and remind me of how quickly ordinary life can move from being awesome to appalling.  The poem, As I Walked Out One Evening, by the poet W. H. Auden, immortalizes such events. 

                                                    The glacier knocks in the cupboard,

                                                    The desert sighs in the bed,

                                                    And the crack in the tea-cup opens

                                                    A lane to the land of the dead.

There are everyday moments that force us to face the inevitable grimness of life, but who needs to stay stuck there? This kitchen disaster may have destroyed all my bowls, but I can counteract petty losses by shopping. Alas, I can't meet every challenge with such ease.

I walk around my new neighborhood, enjoying all the Halloween decorations, but aware, too, that fear of the unknown is the spook hiding just around the corner. November's darkness will shiver us towards December's dying breath, but, in the meantime, we have the fun of October. Time to jump out from the shadows wearing our masks, and shout into the darkness a loud and scary Boo!

Boo!