Hello and welcome to a post-Roseau County Fair Saturday here at the Wannaskan Almanac. Today is July 23rd.
Summer half over means slowly turning our thoughts to school. The soon-to-be Fifth Grader announced that she wishes she were back in school. This tells me two things. One, that she likes structure and routine and, apparently, I'm not providing enough of it. And, two, she has a very short memory because in May she was wailing about wishing school was over.
This past week, Senior 2.0 - or perhaps it would be more fitting to say Graduate 2.0 - attended his college orientation and registration. I think I can speak for both of us when I say it was great to be back in the Twin Cities in general but especially back on the University of St. Thomas campus. The orientation leaders, decked out in their purple Tommie t-shirts paired with purple Converse sneakers, welcomed us with pom-pom smiles and cheers.
A year ago, families sat in quiet clusters, curious and tense. Will this college be the right fit? This time, sitting at the very same tables with the arduous college searching/soul searching process behind us, the family clusters smiled and greeted one other. "Hi I'm Nick," the dad from Kansas City, Missouri said as he reached across the table to shake my hand. "And I'm Nicky," the mom said, placing her fingertips on her sternum. I glanced over to their tall son, with his tan lanky limbs and bright white teeth, and noted his nametag - Nicholas - as he introduced himself and explained he was going to be on the Tommie swim team.
"Did I just hear them say Nick, Nicky, and Nicholas?" I whispered to my own son to be sure.
The Dean of Students kicked the day off with a declaration that St. Thomas is committed to helping students answer the questions "Who am I?" and "How do I want to show up in the world?"
"I'm so excited my son chose this school because these are the questions I'm always asking myself," I gushed to another mother. I stopped, looked over my shoulder, worried I'd said too much. Kid #2 doesn't like it when I gush. My job is to stay cool and only ask good questions. (And not to point at stuff. That drives him crazy. "Plus, Mom, you're so loud.") But, he'd already been assigned and sent off to join Group 4 with Kylie from Apple Valley, so I was in the clear. The other mother, also free from her son, gushed in return, "I know, right?!"
The Dean of Students went on to offer three pieces of advice: Be proactive, Don't be obsessive about being impressive, and Invest in friendships.
I scribbled these indispensable nuggets of wisdom in my complimentary purple Tommie notebook with a matching Tommie pen. (A side thought here: I also marveled at the organizers' foresight to gift the parents and not the students these notebooks. I was not the only one diligently recording each "Need to know" item and felt comforted because, for once, I was among my people and our parenting habits were not strange and our teens were not reprimanding us for our very uncool behavior.)
While I'm sure the Dean of Students intended this counsel for the incoming Class of 2026, I knew what was really going on here. The university was tactfully telling parents not to hover; to "let it go" - complete with Elsa inserted into the PowerPoint - and let their children step into the ownership of their own lives. While I was familiar with the term "helicopter parent," I'd recently learned a new term - lawnmower parent - meaning a parent who cuts a clear path through the long grass of life for their child. I'd already been measuring and comparing myself to other parents, speculating on how much I had helicopter'ed and, now, whether I'd cut the grass too little or too often or, hopefully, just right.
So, parents, this advice is for you.
Be proactive. Don't wait until the fall of your child's senior year to ask, "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Find stealthy ways to ask open-ended questions over time that welcome wonder and dance gracefully around what feels to them to be an ominous subject. A kid doesn't have to know what the thing is they're going to be, rather help them notice what they're good at, what they enjoy, and what qualities make them especially shine. Are they exceptionally kind? Hardworking? Disciplined? Orderly? Meticulous? (Note: "Meticulous" is code at our house for "slow hands." You're not slow, you're just meticulous!)
Don't be obsessive about being impressive. Having worked the last three years with high school seniors on their scholarship essays, their instinct (whether from nurture or nature) is to do exactly this. My own son revealed his game plan during his junior year to "fake it" - i.e. look good, say all the right things, impress the right people - as the strategy to getting into a good school with good finances. I felt alarmed. That my son would think that cunning was the way to operate? To appear awesome rather than just be the awesome person I already knew him to be? "Well, that's certainly a strategy," I said to my then junior. "But that will only serve you in the short-term. Think long game here. I promise you, being authentic is the way to go."
After nearly four years in various parent Facebook groups, I also know that many (not all!) parents are the drivers of this obsession to be impressive. What does my child need to do to look good on paper? How many (more) AP classes will make my kid stand out? Start a company or a nonprofit? It's all too tempting for well-intentioned parents to plow their kids through the checklist of success that will land them in a good school. (Especially when said child is applying to highly selective colleges.) Rather than worry your child isn't good enough, help them discover their brilliance. There's nothing that shines more brightly (and inspires) than a kid knowing him or herself and feeling genuinely excited about who they are.
Invest in friendships. These are teenagers! Friends are already a top priority, so why not nudge them to make good investments? One of my mom-quips is Choose friends who make you feel good about yourself. While they're still at home, parents can support their teens as they learn that friendships ebb and flow, wax and wane, and flourish or flounder through many a friendship cycle. Some stick; some don't.
College is all about choice! Finding quality friendships in college is not like the slim pickings of the high school experience. There will be more people to choose from who share common interests. Kids at this stage of life are in the sweet spot of adulthood - old enough to be on their own without all (okay, some, but not all) of the responsibility that comes with being an adult. It's a time to explore - to try new things and have new experiences. What better way to do this than with a good buddy by his/her side?
At the end of the orientation day at St. Thomas, when I asked my son what he thought of these three pieces of advice, he gave me a look that said, "Well, duh."
I chose to take it as a compliment for a job well done.
To celebrate, we went out for sushi.
On This Day
Historic Highlights (credits)
Happy Birthday to You!🎶
Remembering You
Kim
As a parent soon to send my second child off to college, I really appreciate all this good advice! Thanks so much for this essay!
ReplyDeleteGretchen
P.S. I REALLY like that quote from Daniel Radcliffe at the end of your post!
ReplyDeleteG.M.